Another in an ongoing series of “Ask A” columns that address our readers’ most pressing societal concerns.
DEAR POKEMON GO TRAINER:
My ex-boyfriend recently got out of rehab and I’m letting him stay at my apartment while he gets back on his feet. The conditions are we remain entirely platonic, he does his share of the chores, and, of course, a zero tolerance policy if he uses again. Whaddyaknow, last week I caught him with a baggie of heroin that he swears on his life he’s just holding for a “friend.” I know I have to kick him out, that’s the policy, but he has literally nowhere else to go, no family, no other friends. But on the other hand, if I give in to him, what’s to stop him from continuing to abuse my trust like he does the”H”? Do I stay tough and leave a guy basically homeless, or back down and give him another chance?
CONFLICTED IN KANSAS
DEAR CONFLICTED IN KANSAS:
Stop wasting your PokeCoins on items you could easily pick up at a PokeStop! Forget the Poke Balls and Super Potions and focus on Lure Modules and Lucky Eggs and Incubators. You’re probably carrying way too many eggs–god, please tell me you’re hatching your eggs immediately! Don’t waste the CP of your animals waiting to incubate. That is so Level 5. And do NOT tell me you’re walking out there. Charmander and Mr. Mime go to the runners. You’re like an enemy gym to me right now.
DEAR POKEMON GO TRAINER:
I’ve been married to my high school sweetheart for almost 30 years, so you’d think I know everything about her. Imagine my surprise then, when after all these years she brings a dog home, after we’ve always said we weren’t going to have children, pets, or plants in the house. Now we’ve got “Spritzer,” a Jack Russell mix the color of a Guernsey cow, who’s lighting up my wife and taking her away from me. No more morning coffee and finding grammatical errors in the newspaper together, Spritzer has to be walked. No more cuddling up at night, Spritzer’s favorite spot is right between us in bed. I’ve asked my wife again and again what I’ve done to deserve this, and she just says she woke up one day and wanted a dog. I’m at the point I’m either going to leave or Spritzer’s going to have an unfortunate “accident.” I’m at my wit’s end. Help!
THE OTHER BEST FRIEND IN TEXAS
DEAR OTHER BEST FRIEND IN TEXAS:
Hello, you can’t evolve your Pokemon without the right candy! You can’t give Crabby candy to a Pidgey and expect a Pidgeletto. That’s like expecting a Zubat to become a Golbat with just a 1000 Stardust. Like expecting Professor Willow to like make YOU the exception and let YOU go it alone against Mystic, Instinct, and Valor. Yeah, good luck with that. God, I swear, by the legendary bird Zapdos! You’re being a real PsyDuck, you know that, right?
DEAR POKEMON GO TRAI–
Oh who are we kidding, Elizabeth, I know it’s you. You’ve got to come home. Please. I’ve been texting and calling for three days. How was I supposed to know? You said you were going out to capture a Caterpie, or something, like it was bopping down to the store to get a Fanta. That was almost 96 hours ago. I’m worried, and the back-to-school sales are probably cleaned out of their best stuff so don’t cry to me when you can’t—sorry, sorry, I’m not mad, Lizzy, I’m just worried. I ask people if they’ve seen you and if they do look up from their phones their faces are ghost-white and they’re sobbing, Lizzy, crying their eyes out that they have to, HAVE TO, find something called a Mootoo. Meowtoo? I don’t know, I’m just, it’s all just so, this world–please just come home!
YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHO THIS IS YOUNG LADY