Guest Blogger – Eugenia Spotty

Photo by Kevin Dooley

I’ve been working recently on a pretty intensive screenwriting project, leaving my blog untended for longer than I’d like. Figured it was time to enlist the aid of some guest bloggers to help carry the load. Today’s featured post is from one of my downstairs neighbors, retired church secretary Eugenia Spotty. Thank you, Eugenia!

 

Goodness. So much space to fill. Didn’t quite know what I was agreeing to here. But I did so okay then.

I guess I just do it huh. Here I go. Bogging. Yep. Yep. Yep. I’m bogging now. And when I write this too? Is that bogging? I guess it is. Am I done? Yikes. Lots of blank space down there still.

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That’s cheating I know. But it looks kind of neat all those dollar signs lined up like that. Makes me want to spend money. Could use some new rubber bands actually.

Yes, I know it’s cheating Darlene!!! Thank you for coming in here and spitting Oreos all over just to say that!!!

Boy that’s three exclamation points each up there. I should probably fix that. Don’t want you to think I can actually raise my voice as loud as three exclamation points. That would put me only two exclamation points away from God. Not there yet.

Sorry. Back to bogging. What did Bryan say? Treat it like a diary kind of?

March 28– My grand niece Darlene is here visiting for spring break. Does not give a fig what she puts in her mouth. Actually, figs would be a nice change of pace. Child eats way too many Oreos if you ask me. But does her mother ask me? Nope. Just ships her out here with two packs of the devil’s cookies and now I’ve got to deal with it.

Boy that’s really gossipy. Or maybe that’s what bogging is? I don’t know. I should probably take that part out in case Darlene comes back in the room.

Heck you know what, eye for an eye, I’ll just gossip about myself to make up for it.

March 28 – I’m too agreeable sometimes. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. Susan who checks me out at the Rite Aid thinks so too. First about taking Darlene for a week and then about the Oreos and then about this bog. I can hear Susan now. Eugenia dear you’re just too agreeable, honestly. Only it takes her awhile to get it out because she coughs a lot. She has one of those cigarette voices. I always think, any day now when I’m vacuuming up the dead flowers at the church cemetery I’ll see a tombstone with her name on it. Though I guess I don’t know if I’d know it was her because I don’t know her last name and the tombstone wouldn’t just say Susan on it.

Boy that’s pretty gossipy about Susan. Guess I’ve got to give another eye so to speak. But what’s that saying about eye for an eye until everyone’s blind? So maybe it’s silly for me to go blind when I doubt Susan will ever read this bog. She told me herself all she reads is body rippers or something like that. They sound like the books Pastor Gary says Eve would’ve checked out of Hell’s library. Should probably bring her my Bible the next time I’m in for rubberbands.

So is that it? Am I done with the bogging?

Oh lord Darlene’s back and she’s wiping her Oreo fingers all over the cat. Poor Folgers!! Mommy’s coming to save you. Gotta go now. Goodness there’s still so much blank space down there.

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Build A Story With Bryan #5 – Story’s Got (Furry) Legs

Photo by Ashtoncircus

The skies are gloomy today in Los Angeles, but I don’t need to buy a bucketful of sunshine from that strange guy on the street corner.

Not when I’ve got Build A Story With Bryan to brighten my day.

I really hope you’ve been as consistently entertained and surprised as I’ve been by where these stories have taken us. Though they occasionally reveal their genre-trappings without warning, each story has managed to find a voice, a tone, and then stick with it no matter the sensibilities of its various contributors. There is, it seems, a collective unconscious after all.

This Round 5’s no different.  And it’s still got legs, literally, and furry ones at that. Read what we’ve got so far and you’ll see what I mean. Then build this story further with your own sentence and surprise us some more.

Mrs. Blendinson had certainly entertained a foolish thought in her day, had even been married to one for twenty-five of them, but never had she been so resolute in her belief that this foolish thought, the one occurring to her now while she rooted through the neighbor’s trash, this was the foolish thought that if acted upon would put her back on top.

“If I can just find that clown nose,” she mused, “I’ll prove once and for all that the circus debacle was all Mr. Freddie’s fault, not mine!”

Mrs. Blendinson’s musings, unlike her foolish thoughts, took on the affect of a nobler woman, usually a duchess of some vague royal lineage, the kind who would never consort with a sad clown and his dim associates, who endured scandal with a stiff upper lip and dry eyes, not a stiff drink and stolen credit card.       

In spite of her contemplative irrational thoughts and ramblings of life on the road with the circus, there were times with Mr. Freddie that were downright playful. Even though there were moments of joy and ecstasy, they somehow turned into long hours of nervous, frightful horror. Mrs. Blendinson remembered the time when she and Issey (Issey was Mr. Freddie’s self-appointed first name) created an impromptu beach setting at midnight behind the pup tent, which was just south of the Big Top. Mrs. Blendinson smiled to herself with the contentment only a woman in her 70’s could understand as she reflected on the unusual foreplay that occurred prior to the laying of the blanket.

But then she remembered that fateful BBQ afterward. She frowned, and her entire visage changed from nobility to something far less regal – vengeful. “That Mr. Freddie, and all the Freddies,” she mumbled. “They won’t know what hit ‘em.”

And with that, the circus was relegated to a forgotten compartment in the portmanteau of her mind, for her new resolve was building, the resolve that drove her to reach inside the hem of her dress and pull out the thin strip of microfilm hidden within the gingham. She slipped it into the clown nose that she’d finally found, planning on the perfect place to leave it, where it would be found “by accident.” She looked around furtively, the microfilm/nose mélange secreted in the pocket that once held recipes for blancmange and other favorites.

“Outta my trash, Blendinson!”

 She smiled and checked the diamond-studded watch that had been strapped to her wrist when she’d accidentally fled from Zales the other day. Right on time, her neighbor’s five a.m. ritual, a stumble into the bathroom and back, with a glance out the kitchen window, occasionally to check for raccoons, mostly for her. Mrs. Blendinson waved before she looked up and winced. Ruffy was out of his makeup, but his face still looked painted: purple-black around the eyes, yellowed cheekbones. That and a sweaty fistful of G. Washingtons his likely compensation for starring in another Clown Fight video the area college kids were always staging in the alleyway behind the fried chicken restaurant. Ruffy had fallen on hard times ever since the circus stopped employing sad clowns.

 Mrs. Blendinson wondered if he’d like to help her make a different kind of dishonest wage today, although she couldn’t promise his nose wouldn’t get smashed in with a clown shoe for his trouble.

“Well?” he snapped.

She stuck a quick tongue over her shoulder, and yanked a pink and white cheap leather bag from the bottom of the trash. She could use this, even with one strap broken. She slung the good one over her shoulder and the bag became her shield. Now she turned saucily, determined to put Ruffy back in his clown car for good but the window was empty.

She bent and retrieved her Smirnoff, uncapped it and took a sip, acrid in the morning, trash-laced air. She made a face and began her waddle back to her place. She had plans.

As she approached the caravan she called home, she noticed that the door was slightly ajar. She was certain that she’d shut and locked it. She always triple-checked it every time she went out. If Freddie had used his key to go in without her permission again he was going to be sorry!

She opened her door with some trepidation, calling out, “Hello? Is that you?” in her sing-song lilt. “No, it’s not me,” a strange voice answered back, sending chills down Mrs. Blendinson’s gingham-clad spine.

She stepped inside, sensed a presence in the kitchen, and lifted her new bag to her chest once more. But she paused, still in the hall, when she saw the revolver on the kitchen table next to an open Smirnoff bottle, her last. She stepped fully into the light and the view of a four hundred pound brown bear tossing back a shot of vodka with a raspy snarl.

“Daaaaaaaaamn!” it complained, shaking its massive head at the vodka’s bite. It noticed Mrs. Blendinson and swept up the pistol expertly.

“All right, now, Marjorie, easy does it.” He jerked the gun twice to the empty chair opposite.

Mrs. Blendinson slipped heavily onto it and her whole body seemed to slump in defeat.

“Daisy,” she stated.

“Goddamn right, only I’m done with the dancing.” Daisy the Dancing Bear used both paws to draw back the hammer on the gat. “Have a pop,” he commanded.

What happens next is in your hands…or paws, if you happen to be a bear.

 

Build A Story With Bryan #5 – Building Momentum

Photo by Clive Warneford

I know what you’ve been asking yourself, and your loved ones, and all your neighbors recently: “I wonder what that crafty old Mrs. Blendinson’s been up to?” Well, the blog’s been on a bit of a hiatus recently, but today we return to answer that very question. And if after reading our story-so-far you’d like to influence the direction of her life (and who wouldn’t want to do that?), please build onto it by leaving us the next sentence or two in your comments.  As always, thanks for playing!

Mrs. Blendinson had certainly entertained a foolish thought in her day, had even been married to one for twenty-five of them, but never had she been so resolute in her belief that this foolish thought, the one occurring to her now while she rooted through the neighbor’s trash, this was the foolish thought that if acted upon would put her back on top.

“If I can just find that clown nose,” she mused, “I’ll prove once and for all that the circus debacle was all Mr. Freddie’s fault, not mine!”

Mrs. Blendinson’s musings, unlike her foolish thoughts, took on the affect of a nobler woman, usually a duchess of some vague royal lineage, the kind who would never consort with a sad clown and his dim associates, who endured scandal with a stiff upper lip and dry eyes, not a stiff drink and stolen credit card.       

In spite of her contemplative irrational thoughts and ramblings of life on the road with the circus, there were times with Mr. Freddie that were downright playful. Even though there were moments of joy and ecstasy, they somehow turned into long hours of nervous, frightful horror. Mrs. Blendinson remembered the time when she and Issey (Issey was Mr. Freddie’s self-appointed first name) created an impromptu beach setting at midnight behind the pup tent, which was just south of the Big Top. Mrs. Blendinson smiled to herself with the contentment only a woman in her 70’s could understand as she reflected on the unusual foreplay that occurred prior to the laying of the blanket.

But then she remembered that fateful BBQ afterward. She frowned, and her entire visage changed from nobility to something far less regal – vengeful. “That Mr. Freddie, and all the Freddies,” she mumbled. “They won’t know what hit ‘em.”

And with that, the circus was relegated to a forgotten compartment in the portmanteau of her mind, for her new resolve was building, the resolve that drove her to reach inside the hem of her dress and pull out the thin strip of microfilm hidden within the gingham. She slipped it into the clown nose that she’d finally found, planning on the perfect place to leave it, where it would be found “by accident.” She looked around furtively, the microfilm/nose mélange secreted in the pocket that once held recipes for blancmange and other favorites.

“Outta my trash, Blendinson!”

 She smiled and checked the diamond-studded watch that had been strapped to her wrist when she’d accidentally fled from Zales the other day. Right on time, her neighbor’s five a.m. ritual, a stumble into the bathroom and back, with a glance out the kitchen window, occasionally to check for raccoons, mostly for her. Mrs. Blendinson waved before she looked up and winced. Ruffy was out of his makeup, but his face still looked painted: purple-black around the eyes, yellowed cheekbones. That and a sweaty fistful of G. Washingtons his likely compensation for starring in another Clown Fight video the area college kids were always staging in the alleyway behind the fried chicken restaurant. Ruffy had fallen on hard times ever since the circus stopped employing sad clowns.

 Mrs. Blendinson wondered if he’d like to help her make a different kind of dishonest wage today, although she couldn’t promise his nose wouldn’t get smashed in with a clown shoe for his trouble.

“Well?” he snapped.

She stuck a quick tongue over her shoulder, and yanked a pink and white cheap leather bag from the bottom of the trash. She could use this, even with one strap broken. She slung the good one over her shoulder and the bag became her shield. Now she turned saucily, determined to put Ruffy back in his clown car for good but the window was empty.

She bent and retrieved her Smirnoff, uncapped it and took a sip, acrid in the morning, trash-laced air. She made a face and began her waddle back to her place. She had plans.

As she approached the caravan she called home, she noticed that the door was slightly ajar. She was certain that she’d shut and locked it. She always triple-checked it every time she went out. If Freddie had used his key to go in without her permission again he was going to be sorry!

What’s in store for Mrs. Blendinson? Let your sentence put her on the path to her destiny…or at least inside the caravan for a quick smoke.

Build A Story With Bryan #5 – Mrs. Blendinson Marches On

Photo by Keoni 101

Hello story-builders, Round #5 has entered the beautiful month of March! Not only is spring right around the corner, but so is Mrs. Blendinson. Be sure to keep one eye open in the back of your heads and two hands on your wallets and purses.

Good work, you made it safely past. Now give our story-so-far a read and add a sentence or two to keep Mrs. Blendinson occupied on something other than your hard-earned cash.

Mrs. Blendinson had certainly entertained a foolish thought in her day, had even been married to one for twenty-five of them, but never had she been so resolute in her belief that this foolish thought, the one occurring to her now while she rooted through the neighbor’s trash, this was the foolish thought that if acted upon would put her back on top.

“If I can just find that clown nose,” she mused, “I’ll prove once and for all that the circus debacle was all Mr. Freddie’s fault, not mine!”

Mrs. Blendinson’s musings, unlike her foolish thoughts, took on the affect of a nobler woman, usually a duchess of some vague royal lineage, the kind who would never consort with a sad clown and his dim associates, who endured scandal with a stiff upper lip and dry eyes, not a stiff drink and stolen credit card.       

In spite of her contemplative irrational thoughts and ramblings of life on the road with the circus, there were times with Mr. Freddie that were downright playful. Even though there were moments of joy and ecstasy, they somehow turned into long hours of nervous, frightful horror. Mrs. Blendinson remembered the time when she and Issey (Issey was Mr. Freddie’s self-appointed first name) created an impromptu beach setting at midnight behind the pup tent, which was just south of the Big Top. Mrs. Blendinson smiled to herself with the contentment only a woman in her 70’s could understand as she reflected on the unusual foreplay that occurred prior to the laying of the blanket.

But then she remembered that fateful BBQ afterward. She frowned, and her entire visage changed from nobility to something far less regal – vengeful. “That Mr. Freddie, and all the Freddies,” she mumbled. “They won’t know what hit ‘em.”

And with that, the circus was relegated to a forgotten compartment in the portmanteau of her mind, for her new resolve was building, the resolve that drove her to reach inside the hem of her dress and pull out the thin strip of microfilm hidden within the gingham. She slipped it into the clown nose that she’d finally found, planning on the perfect place to leave it, where it would be found “by accident.” She looked around furtively, the microfilm/nose mélange secreted in the pocket that once held recipes for blancmange and other favorites.

“Outta my trash, Blendinson!”

 She smiled and checked the diamond-studded watch that had been strapped to her wrist when she’d accidentally fled from Zales the other day. Right on time, her neighbor’s five a.m. ritual, a stumble into the bathroom and back, with a glance out the kitchen window, occasionally to check for raccoons, mostly for her. Mrs. Blendinson waved before she looked up and winced. Ruffy was out of his makeup, but his face still looked painted: purple-black around the eyes, yellowed cheekbones. That and a sweaty fistful of G. Washingtons his likely compensation for starring in another Clown Fight video the area college kids were always staging in the alleyway behind the fried chicken restaurant. Ruffy had fallen on hard times ever since the circus stopped employing sad clowns.

 Mrs. Blendinson wondered if he’d like to help her make a different kind of dishonest wage today, although she couldn’t promise his nose wouldn’t get smashed in with a clown shoe for his trouble.

What’s going to happen next? Will Ruffy and Mrs. B team up? Only you and your sentence know…

 

Thank You Barney Rosset

Henry Miller

Admittedly, I didn’t know who Barney Rosset was until I’d heard he died earlier this week. But after reading his obituary in the Los Angeles Times on Tuesday, I wish I could have had the chance to thank him while he was alive for his courage to publish writers deemed too far outside the “mainstream” and his unwavering defense of free speech.

Mr. Rosset was the founder of Grove Press, which not only introduced American readers to Samuel Beckett, Harold Pinter and Eugene Ionesco, but also championed the writings of William S. Burroughs, Jack Kerouac, Marguerite Duras, and Malcolm X.

Rosset also successfully fought against American censorship laws to publish pure, unedited versions of D.H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover, and Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer. The former was found not to violate U.S. anti-pornography laws, while the latter was judged to not be obscene because it had “redeeming social value.” Both books went on to become classics.

While certainly pleased with the ultimate outcome of his court challenges, Rosset was not a fan of the “socially redeeming” argument, and I admire and wholeheartedly agree with what he told NPR back in 1991: “My grounds has always been that anything should be–can be–published. I think that if you have freedom of speech, you have freedom of speech.”

Thank you Barney Rosset for standing behind your principles and fighting for literature that not only provokes and protests against the status quo, but also enriches our lives. 

Build A Story With Bryan #5 – Mrs. Blendinson Lives On

Thank you story builders, thank you for coming through once again and extending the life of our dear Mrs. Blendinson. Let us continue, shall we? Give our story-so-far a read and take this thing to the heights of your imagination. Don’t hold back just because Mrs. B is a 70-something. As you’ll read, she’s also vengeful and has secrets inside her dress.

Mrs. Blendinson had certainly entertained a foolish thought in her day, had even been married to one for twenty-five of them, but never had she been so resolute in her belief that this foolish thought, the one occurring to her now while she rooted through the neighbor’s trash, this was the foolish thought that if acted upon would put her back on top.

“If I can just find that clown nose,” she mused, “I’ll prove once and for all that the circus debacle was all Mr. Freddie’s fault, not mine!”

Mrs. Blendinson’s musings, unlike her foolish thoughts, took on the affect of a nobler woman, usually a duchess of some vague royal lineage, the kind who would never consort with a sad clown and his dim associates, who endured scandal with a stiff upper lip and dry eyes, not a stiff drink and stolen credit card.       

In spite of her contemplative irrational thoughts and ramblings of life on the road with the circus, there were times with Mr. Freddie that were downright playful. Even though there were moments of joy and ecstasy, they somehow turned into long hours of nervous, frightful horror. Mrs. Blendinson remembered the time when her and Issey (that is Mr.Freddie’s self-appointed first name) created an impromptu beach setting at midnight behind the pup tent, which was just south of the Big Top. Mrs. Blendinson smiled to herself with the contentment only a woman in her 70’s could understand as she reflected on the unusual foreplay that occurred prior to the laying of the blanket.

But then she remembered that fateful BBQ afterward. She frowned, and her entire visage changed from nobility to something far less regal – vengeful. “That Mr. Freddie, and all the Freddies,” she mumbled. “They won’t know what hit ‘em.”

And with that, the circus was relegated to a forgotten compartment in the portmanteau of her mind, for her new resolve was building, the resolve that drove her to reach inside the hem of her dress and pull out the thin strip of microfilm hidden within the gingham.

What’s next? Only you know the answer…

Build A Story With Bryan #5 – Mrs. Blendinson Wants To Live

Photo by Robert Cudmore

It’s like we’re building a wooden bridge one plank at a time, and right now our (not so innocent) Mrs.  Blendinson is in danger of falling to her death. She may have her flaws, sure, but look into your heart. You don’t really want Mrs. Blendinson to die, do you? Well, at least not this way. If she must expire let your sentence do the dirty work. Yes, have a read of our story so far and lay down your wooden plank of words, and whatever happens our leading lady will accept the consequences. (She would prefer to live, just so you know.)

Mrs. Blendinson had certainly entertained a foolish thought in her day, had even been married to one for twenty-five of them, but never had she been so resolute in her belief that this foolish thought, the one occurring to her now while she rooted through the neighbor’s trash, this was the foolish thought that if acted upon would put her back on top.

“If I can just find that clown nose,” she mused, “I’ll prove once and for all that the circus debacle was all Mr. Freddie’s fault, not mine!”

Mrs. Blendinson’s musings, unlike her foolish thoughts, took on the affect of a nobler woman, usually a duchess of some vague royal lineage, the kind who would never consort with a sad clown and his dim associates, who endured scandal with a stiff upper lip and dry eyes, not a stiff drink and stolen credit card.       

What happens next is in your hands….

Build A Story With Bryan #5

Photo by Reinhard Kraasch

Wait! Put down that gun, everything’s going to be okay. Build A Story With Bryan is back!

What? Oh. You weren’t distraught over Build A Story’s prolonged hiatus? You say you’ve got a groundhog problem? But Groundhog’s Day isn’t until tomorrow.

And today we’ve got to start construction on this story, which means you’ll need both hands and no blood on them.  As usual, I’ve started us off with an opening sentence and now leave it to you to take it from there. Remember, it’s first come first serve, so when you leave your sentence in the comments be sure it’s building off of what preceded it. And I thank you (and the groundhogs thank you) for participating.

Here’s the opener:

Mrs. Blendinson had certainly entertained some foolish thoughts in her day, had even been married to one for twenty-five of them, but never had she been so resolute in her belief that this foolish thought, the one occurring to her now while she rooted through the neighbor’s trash, yes, this foolish thought, if acted upon, would finally put her back on top.

Where we go from here is up to you…

Lost & Found Round-Up

It may not rank high on the list of devastating epidemics like childhood obesity, or our culture’s willingness to give Madonna enough rope with which to “reinvent” but not hang herself, it is nonetheless a genuine bummer whenever somebody loses a sentence.

Wiley creatures these words strung together with intention, and in need of constant supervision, as they will get sucked under a passing bus as easily as they’ll lay docile on the blank page. Thankfully, in cases of the former, there are goodhearted souls out there, who upon locating such parent-less prose, will dust it off, coax it into their memories, and then deliver it to me at Lost & Found Sentences, Inc.

So if you’ve had the hard luck of losing a sentence recently, here’s a round-up of what I’ve received in the last few months. Found in the darndest of places too, like turkey chili,  a wig, an empty milk jug, can of pepper spray, a footprint, pigeon vomit.

“Her finger traced the saucer’s hairline crack as the poison took effect.”

“Trust the gut the doctor didn’t remove from you last night.”

“Seizing the moment, replied the swinging elbows and knees.”

“Razors tied together was his tinsel, the shuriken his Christmas star.”

“Take a knee, solider; take two knees if it makes you happy.”

“It was Friday, and that meant it was Gary’s turn to wear the special pants.”

“They tried passing the torch like oranges at summer camp, to disastrous results.”

“The scarf was curled up on the floor like a dead brown dog.”

“He’d had the pincer a day when they lopped it off and gave him a plate of beans in compensation.”

“He wore a shirt made from frosting after whipped cream went out of style.”

“His emotional baggage bulging inside his actual baggage, he threw both off the bridge that Mother built.”

“They dug him out of a frozen cornfield and sent him off in a suit and crooked smile.”

“They would stay the night, but on their own terms, in your pajamas, in your bed.”

“She’d meant to toss a pinch of salt over her shoulder, not the battle axe.”

“When he returned from the war the faces he saw were the open wounds he’d been unable to mend.”

“There were no second chances at this, his maniacal laugh had to be spot-on.”

“We weren’t certain who the thief was so we chopped everyone’s hands off.”

“He liked to wait until it was very quiet, and then the belt would come off.”

“Some made ill-fitting locks like marionettes, while others clapped as if afraid their hands might seal together.”

“Expecting the ‘job creators’ to regulate themselves is like asking a time bomb to defuse itself.”

 

Let me know if any of the above ring a bell. And if you’ve found a lost sentence, please leave it in the comments and be sure to include where you happened upon it. Thank you!

An Important Question

Photo from US Navy

It’s been awhile since I’ve asked this of anyone, but what the hell: would you mind looking at this strange growth on my—wait, hold up, mixed up my notes.

This post is about reading. Yes, that’s right.  So, what are you reading right now? What are you planning to read this year?

Me, I’m currently navigating through Moby-Dick for our book group, and excerpts from two novels being workshopped in my writer’s group. After Melville I’ll get back into Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins (I’m a little over halfway home there), and then plan on diving into The Book of Lost Things, by John Connelly. From there it’s finally time to open Drood, by Dan Simmons.

Also on the 2012 to-read list are Affliction, by Russell Banks, Freedom, by Jonathan Franzen, and The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak.  Then there’s State of Wonder, by Ann Patchett and The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake, by Aimee Bender.

Hopefully, I can get these (and more?) in between my writing projects. Of course, to quote Stephen King, “If you don’t have time for reading, you don’t have time for writing.” And if you disagree, he will fight you.

Send me your lists!