Category Archives: Responding To My Readers

AI OR DOPPELGANGER

We live in a frenetic and fragmented world. More than ever before our attention is being pulled in so many different directions, and what we have bandwidth for is shrinking every day. But I can’t hold with that excuse, not when I have a responsibility to my readers, especially those readers who feel like they’re not being heard.

And cloning seems so ok boomer, amiright?

Which is why I’m setting up an alternative means of communication for those of you trying to reach me who don’t enjoy the hold music (which is baffling, I know, “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” is very soothing). Starting August 1, I’m offering a tiered pricing model for a quicker direct connection between subscriber and…….me-adjacent.

TIER 1 – For only 5 cents a minute, enjoy a lively back and forth with “Hello My Name Is BryanChatty,” an AI approximation of me developed over a series of visits to a deprivation tank facility in Silicon Valley.

TIER 2 – For the modest price of a withered bird claw and sack of pig entrails every other blood moon, engage in a terse but uncomfortably pleasant exchange with my doppelganger who recently relocated to Los Angeles from a secluded village deep in the shadows of the Carpathian Mountains to haunt my waking life.

Each tier basically offers the subscriber an “Ask Me Anything” format but the beta testing has shown participants are most eager to: 1) discuss their relationships; 2) exchange financial advice; and 3) just need a platform in which to express their existential fears.

To get you excited about your own conversations, here’s a sampling of responses generated by our test audience’s queries:

BryanChatty: How many bad dates will it take for you to finally realize you should be running home in the rain on New Year’s Eve to your Nintendo Switch?

My Doppelganger: Desirability as a mate increases sevenfold with seven streaks on your door made from the dung of the three-eared yak of the Kodeszicu Valley. Not six streaks, seven. Six streaks will only increase by sixfold your inability to pass a bilestone.

BryanChatty: Would Lindsay Lohan be shilling for cryptocurrency if weren’t a smart decision?

My Doppelganger: For your satchel of dried and spiced fowl meat, I will barter with this string of molars pried from the neck mouth of Crcyxix, Swampstress of Sighemuunta, removed of course after blinding her eyes by summoning a solar eclipse and confusing her mind with rumors of foxes laying with rabbits in their warrens. Final offer.

BryanChatty: You’re paying to communicate with an artificially intelligent simulation of a human being. I think we’ve jumped the shark on “existential,” don’t you?

My Doppelganger: I know you’re in your bed, Bryan. Why don’t you answer to my scratchings at the window?

Okay, well, needless to say, we are a social species/hybrid-technology and I needed to respond accordingly. So make your choice or connect with them both and let the reasonably-priced oversharing begin!

Responding To My Readers 2020

2 Replies

Hello, my dear readers.

In these unprecedented times, just knowing that you’re out there is a great comfort to all of us in Month 5 of quarantine here at blog headquarters.

How do I know that you’re out there? Well, because I’m hearing from you, and, understandably, you not only want to be heard you’d like a gosh darn response. Please forgive my tardiness in replying, we had 15 seasons of “The Real Abscessed Teeth of Orange County” to get through.

Now then.

First up is Theodor Lutz, who writes: Hey there! Looking for some fun to get into? Me too! Let’s get to know each other on a much more personal level.

Love the enthusiasm, Theodor. Unfortunately, these days it’s hard enough keeping in touch with my existing friends, I really can’t take on anyone new right now. You might consider reaching out to someone in New Zealand. Good luck and keep up that cheery disposition!

Next is a question that came in from Igor2w46: удалите,пожалуйста!

I ran this through our translator and, yes, thank you, Igor2w46, we have enough leeches to see us through at least October. Appreciate your concern, sir, thanks for checking in!

Moving on, here’s longtime reader, first time messager Andrew Kaminski: “I am truly interested in your business model and I would like to ask you to start cooperation with our company. Our marketing tool allows for reducing new customer acquisition costs by 60. Feel free to answer this message for further questions, or for unsubscribe.”

A reduction of 60?!! That’s unheard of in this business. Color me intrigued, Mr. Kaminski. Don’t be in such a rush to get an unsubscribe, my accounting department will be in touch. Dude, 60?! HFS!!

And the generosity keeps pouring in, as reader Rosetta Ficke demonstrates: “This Free course is all you need to Become a Super Affiliate in 30 Days.”

Rosetta, wow, what a small world. I actually escaped from the Super Affiliates back when I was nine, but thanks for thinking of me (and no, sorry, I won’t be able to provide a testimonial for the website).

And finally, this message arrived from reader/customer Sandy Lamble: “My package was damaged for the second time. I made a picture so that you can see what I mean. I hope you can help me solve this problem.”

Sandy, I’m so sorry, I don’t understand the issue. The item you bought from our gift store is called “Damaged Package.” Do you want to swap it for a set of those “fly-in-the-ice-cube” party gags? They’re hilarious, just FYI they are real flies in real ice cubes and will probably melt before they reach you. Let me know.

Responding To My Readers

1 Reply

An exciting new opportunity with my novel has me spending my summer revising like crazy, leaving me little time to attend to the blog or respond to the messages that have been coming in via my Contacts page. But I’ve finally forced myself to take a break from the manuscript and kill two birds with one post–a blog post that is, with apologies to those sensitive about our fine feathered friends being harmed in even a figurative sense.

First up, a message from Dettor4410@yahoo.com:

“Heya i’m initially right here. I stumbled upon this particular panel and i also find It genuinely helpful & that taught me to be out and about a whole lot. I hope to offer one thing again as well as help other people like you assisted myself.”

Dear Dettor,

I know what you mean. I’m initially right here, but very often find myself going over there or even over there, and all of a sudden I’ve totally lost my point of origin. But it seems you appreciate the value of being out and about on a regular basis regardless of whether you’re here or there or even if you’re stumbling over a particular panel at the time. By the way, you don’t specify if the panel came out of a ceiling or wall, but either way, good luck out there.

Happy to be of assistance to yourself,

Bryan

And here’s a thoughtful message from peqljgpgu@gmail.com, aka “Mandy”:

“We have decided to open our POWERFUL and PRIVATE web traffic system to the public for a limited time! You can sign up for our UP SCALE network with a free trial as we get started with the public’s orders. Imagine how your bank account will look when your website gets the traffic it deserves. Visit us today…”

Dear “Mandy,”

As someone with a public blog, boy do I understand about the public’s orders. In fact, don’t get me started on the public’s orders, CEASE AND DESIST and the like. I’ve never thought about responding back with my own words in all caps. THANK YOU FOR THE IDEA. Oh, and my bank account thanks you too as we both prefer a free trial rather than having to pay someone to represent me in court.

Thanks for reading,

Bryan

P.S. And absolutely don’t get me started on traffic. I once spent 3 days on the 405 trying to get home from work.

Finally, this came in recently from Ukosata1619@yahoo.com, who when not reading my blog apparently runs an adult dating site.

“Hello there, i read your site every so often and that i individual an identical one and i also was just asking yourself if you achieve lots of unsolicited mail comments? If so how will you reduce it, any wordpress tool or perhaps whatever you can easily recommend? I purchase so much of late it’s driving me nuts consequently just about any assistance is very much treasured.”

Dear Ukosata,

You’ve raised an interesting existential question. How can one be both an individual and identical to his fellow man? Unfortunately there aren’t any tools to reduce the difficulty of the journey one must embark on to find this treasured answer. And yes, consequently, “nuts” might end up being the perfect description for your state of mind. However, if you do decide to go for it, a little bit of advice: this sojourn isn’t like an adult dating service; I would generally accept any and all unsolicited advances along the way.

Bon Voyage,

Bryan

Well, what a relief to cross off another item on the t0-do list! Now it’s back to the novel for me. Have a great rest of the summer everybody.