Those of you who read my blog regularly already know that I hit on all three of my predictions for 2018.

Those of you who heretofore have been getting your news from trashy, unreliable sources, here’s a quick and trustworthy recap:

1. Dexter Jessup did in fact lose a knuckle in the elevator at the Bank of the Illusory Savings building, only to be reunited with it six weeks later when delivering a self-righteous speech to Taylor Dane’s brunch guests waiting for their Belgian waffles.
2. Mayonnaise did in fact save a life. It’s the only reason Markus Casper isn’t still stuck between a prospector’s ghost and a very hard place.
3. And on June 24th, gargoyles did in fact take over a Stuckey’s in Dublin, Ohio and set a franchise record for most customers mauled and PB& Bacon shakes sold.

What’s in store for the rest of 2019? Well, shoot, since I went 3-for-3 last year I’ve decided not to tempt fate and will instead buy a lottery ticket and win $500 million and retire with the wife to a state of mind where no “Ivy League” doctor is going to refuse to replace my legs with pogo sticks.

It’s going to be an incredible year, everyone, welcome aboard!

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: WordPress has done away with the “Add an Image” button in this current version, 5.0.3. Looks like it’s just going to be text and imagination going forward. For this post, please picture a human knuckle, Dublin, Ohio, and a cassette tape of Taylor Dane’s Tell It To My Heart slathered in mayonnaise.]