Photo by Alan Light

With the official start of Summer fast approaching, it’s my obligation as a blogsman to offer a sneak peek of what I’ll be up to during the longest days of the year. Here we go!

JUNE

• Agree to give lost tourists directions but only if they rub in the sunscreen on my back.
• Post bail after being arrested for insisting lost tourists rub in the sunscreen on my back.
• Attend the annual Boil Boil. In Crapahatchee, Alabama they feed a cold, starve the flu, and, at the county fairgrounds over the last weekend in June, pour pots of scalding water on the boil-inflicted.

JULY

• Dine and ditch in Philadelphia dressed as Ben Franklin
• Attend my local Air Horn Concert in the Park series
• Visit the Lawn Darts Hall of Fame/Texaco Station and Speedeez Car Wash; off the I-90, head north on Truedatt Blvd. until it dead-ends – 2 for one Hall admission and complimentary scent tree

AUGUST

• Train a pack of wild dogs to lead my chariot through downtown while I scream “The dog days are here! The dog days are here!”
• Reattach the appendage that wild dogs inevitably chew off during training sessions.
• Produce PSA about how to tell if a wild dog just wants to eat you or if it’s genuinely interested in learning how to lead a chariot through downtown.

Whew, well, some busy times are ahead for me. What will you be doing this summer?