So I’m writing this YA novel that’s heavy on the supernatural, and I’ve had doppelgangers on the brain lately because my main character’s double plays a significant role in the story. Well, I must have been putting more than just mental power behind it because a few days ago I was in the grocery store checkout line and suddenly there “I” was at the same time jamming a hand up the Redbox dispenser trying to steal DVDs.

The resemblance between us is pretty uncanny, although the DG doesn’t chew his fingernails and my eyes don’t go dark and dead like a shark’s when I feel threatened.

Anyway, there was the store manager calling the cops and I felt this intense, familial obligation to save “myself” from the police. And so while we hid inside a burned-out car in the alley I had a chance to ask my doppelganger a few questions. Here’s the transcript from our interview:

Me:  What movie were you trying to steal?

My Doppelganger: laets ot gniyrt ouy erew eivom tahw?

Me: Wait, that’s my question repeated to me backwards. Is that how doppelgangers really talk?

My Doppelganger: No, I’m just messing with you. Next question.

Me: Do you know how or why doppelgangers exist in the first place?

My Doppelganger: Hmmm…well, I don’t know how to put this delicately, but basically you get a man and a woman and you connect them via their sexual organs and then–

Me: Never mind, I got it.

My Doppelganger: You sure? Want me to draw you a picture? I’m getting pretty good.

Me: So you’re like my evil twin, is that it?

My Doppelganger: Evil? You tell me, bro. I pretty much do all the things that you secretly want to do.

Me: I don’t secretly want to molest Redbox machines.

My Doppelganger: Fine, but what about the Fifty Shades of Grey fan fiction? The PB and whipped-cream sandwiches for breakfast?

Me: Oh, that’s a great idea! Christian and Anastasia would love PB and whipped-cream sand–I mean, that doesn’t…none of that…are you sure you’re my doppelganger?

My Doppelganger: Come on, dude.

Me: Yeah…

My Doppelganger: And you know exactly what movie I was going for in there.

Me: Crazy Enough.

My Doppelganger: Starring Chris Kattan–

Me: –and Chris Kattan.

Me and My Doppelganger: “It’s Twin-sanity!”

My Doppelganger: Hey man that could be us. We could be Twin-sanity every day.

Me: Um…yeah. Every day.

My Doppelganger: Yeah man, bring me home, introduce me to your wife, let me sleep on your couch. We’ll make matchstick sculptures of your favorite escalators and sell them at county fairs. Don’t keep it a secret anymore!

Me: Uh-huh, excuse me a second. Officer! Officer! The man you’re looking for is right here! Here he is!