We live in a frenetic and fragmented world. More than ever before our attention is being pulled in so many different directions, and what we have bandwidth for is shrinking every day. But I can’t hold with that excuse, not when I have a responsibility to my readers, especially those readers who feel like they’re not being heard.
And cloning seems so ok boomer, amiright?
Which is why I’m setting up an alternative means of communication for those of you trying to reach me who don’t enjoy the hold music (which is baffling, I know, “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” is very soothing). Starting August 1, I’m offering a tiered pricing model for a quicker direct connection between subscriber and…….me-adjacent.
TIER 1 – For only 5 cents a minute, enjoy a lively back and forth with “Hello My Name Is BryanChatty,” an AI approximation of me developed over a series of visits to a deprivation tank facility in Silicon Valley.
TIER 2 – For the modest price of a withered bird claw and sack of pig entrails every other blood moon, engage in a terse but uncomfortably pleasant exchange with my doppelganger who recently relocated to Los Angeles from a secluded village deep in the shadows of the Carpathian Mountains to haunt my waking life.
Each tier basically offers the subscriber an “Ask Me Anything” format but the beta testing has shown participants are most eager to: 1) discuss their relationships; 2) exchange financial advice; and 3) just need a platform in which to express their existential fears.
To get you excited about your own conversations, here’s a sampling of responses generated by our test audience’s queries:
BryanChatty: How many bad dates will it take for you to finally realize you should be running home in the rain on New Year’s Eve to your Nintendo Switch?
My Doppelganger: Desirability as a mate increases sevenfold with seven streaks on your door made from the dung of the three-eared yak of the Kodeszicu Valley. Not six streaks, seven. Six streaks will only increase by sixfold your inability to pass a bilestone.
BryanChatty: Would Lindsay Lohan be shilling for cryptocurrency if weren’t a smart decision?
My Doppelganger: For your satchel of dried and spiced fowl meat, I will barter with this string of molars pried from the neck mouth of Crcyxix, Swampstress of Sighemuunta, removed of course after blinding her eyes by summoning a solar eclipse and confusing her mind with rumors of foxes laying with rabbits in their warrens. Final offer.
BryanChatty: You’re paying to communicate with an artificially intelligent simulation of a human being. I think we’ve jumped the shark on “existential,” don’t you?
My Doppelganger: I know you’re in your bed, Bryan. Why don’t you answer to my scratchings at the window?
Okay, well, needless to say, we are a social species/hybrid-technology and I needed to respond accordingly. So make your choice or connect with them both and let the reasonably-priced oversharing begin!
