With the Grammys and Oscars and all the other end-of-year-awards ceremonies upon us, we here at the blog wanted to recognize some of the unsung overachievers in America who are never offered the chance to walk a red carpet. They still won’t, but at least they’re getting their due in a public forum.

After a very careful and thorough review of all the nominees in all categories, we’ve culled the list down to these ten very lucky winners. Congratulations everyone, your Arby’s coupons will be arriving second-class mail at the end of next month.

THE BRYANHILSON.COM TEN BEST OF 2014:

Best Hug Lasting Longer Than 3 Conspicuous Throat-Clearings – Pastor Gary Trumble and the widow Stevens, Kansas City, Kansas

Best Non-Fatal Text ’n Walk Over 1 City Block – Bob Dollort and his Samsung Galaxy s5, Boston, Massa—nope, he just walked in front of a bus.

Next Best Non-Fatal Text ’n Walk Over 1 City Block – Tammy Goodwin and her—oh god there goes another one!

Best Off-Label Use of An Antipsychotic Drug – Claude Evans, “Jurydutitis,” Rifle, Colorado

Best Quote From A Government Official Not Authorized To Speak Publicly On The Subject – “XXX XXXX XXXX XX XXX XXXXXX”, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXXX

Best Non-Anthropomorphized Cat Behavior In a Domestic Setting – “Feline Groovy” shitting in a cake pan, Jacksonville, Florida

Best Water Cooler Conversation About Water Coolers – Steve Ricketts, Erica Caldwell, Vince DeGuinn, Portland, Maine

Best Fake Amnesia Story To Explain Overdue Quarterly Budget Report – Allison McBane, Dublin, Ohio

Best Co-Opting Of A Wholesome Family-Run Food Brand By A Multinational Corporation – “Debbie’s Veggie’s” by Nefaricorp Global Partners, Houston, Texas

Best Photo-Bombing Of An Anesthetized Subject (Indoors) – Morris Stintannen during Hal Irwin’s vasectomy, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Did your favorite nominee not make the cut? Leave a comment and let us know and we’ll tell you why we thought otherwise.