Photo by Sorn

Playing the “What If?” game can sometimes be fun, but it can also be downright frightening. But what better way to overcome our fears than by bringing them to life in our imaginations, and devising their destruction in creative (and cathartic) ways? With that in mind, I raise the following nightmare scenario, which, a hypothetical evil though it may be, undoubtedly haunts the sleep of every movie-going citizen.

What if the movie studios remade, re-imagined, recycled every last title in their back catalogues? What if they exploited every board game, video game, TV show, comic book, novel, app, amusement park ride, and toy in existence? My god, what if we had to endure the horror of a moving picture featuring ideas and characters not previously conceived and presold in another format? 

Whew. Congratulations if you’re still with me, if you haven’t passed out from sheer terror. Excuse me a moment, I need to steal a breath from my oxygen tank.

Now then, how are we going to confront and overcome this impending? imaginary? crisis? Well, for inspiration, I’ve decided to look within…my own cupboards and cabinets. Ah, the soothing familiarity of the ubiquitous products we all eat and employ in our everyday lives, so easily adaptable into the tentpole franchises of the not too distant future; the obvious and necessary next stage in the evolution of filmed entertainment.

So never fear fellow moviegoers, here are four Hollywood blockbusters that will save us from the coming apocalypse of originality.

Mr. Clean – A stay-at-home mom doomed to a life using off-brand cleaning products has the adventure of a lifetime when Mr. Clean (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) comes to her aid after vengeful floors and drain pipes instigate a revolution inside her home. In a touching side story, Mr. Clean reconnects with the father he thought dead (a digitally-recreated Yul Brynner using outtakes from Westworld) after a violent skirmish with Scrubbing Bubbles.

The Con Agra Solution – Chef Boyardee (Kevin James), Mrs. Butterworth (Renee Fleming) and Oscar Mayer (Christoph Waltz) do battle with an evil public school administrator out to destroy school lunches forever by insisting choices include food that hasn’t been processed or genetically modified for our safety. Cameo appearance by Samuel L. Jackson as Uncle Ben. 

Snuggle Me – Instead of suicide, a lonely architect sheds his macho image and uses Snuggle Fabric Softener on his laundry, triggering a visit from Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear (voiced by Jon Voight) who teaches him how to win the woman of his dreams, a spunky cupcake entrepreneur. But the new couple’s bliss is threatened when the woman’s mother-in-law moves in and refuses to acknowledge the talking bear or the superiority of Snuggle Blue Sparkle dryer sheets over other leading brands.

What the Hell Happened to Breakfast?– In a world where children are forced to work the plain-flavored oatmeal swamps and unsweetened granola farms so common in modern dystopias, a band of valiant youths led by the Apple Jacks (the Jonas Brothers), the Froot Loops (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) and their pet rabbit Trix (Justin Bieber), dares to stand up for a child’s right to a little high fructose corn syrup, which according to revolutionary scientists just might be the cure for autism. Featuring the hit single “Two Scoops of Honey Smacks Helps The Medicine Go Down.”

Might you too have a market-tested blockbuster for Hollywood that will protect us from the unfamiliar (and thus, untrustworthy) original concept? For the sake of humankind, we all need to hear it.