Norma Desmond – Sunset Boulevard

An article in last Sunday’s LA Times Calendar Section detailed the tumultuous production of Paul Schrader and Bret Easton Ellis’s new psychosexual neo-noir film “The Canyons.” Starring the ever reliable Lindsay Lohan, I was amused/disturbed to read that in order to coax his shy starlet to go through with a nude scene, Mr. Schrader himself bared all on the set.

Okay, then. I think plenty of actresses would appreciate the gesture, and you have to admire Schrader’s commitment to…the craft, yes, the CRAFT. Don’t you? Well it doesn’t matter if you don’t because Lohan eventually did, and the results are there for everyone to see (you know you want to) on VOD now and in selected cities this Friday.

Anyway, this story prompted me to wonder if other directors of other films of dubious merit this year experienced anything similar with their stars. So let’s play What If? – Hollywood Directors and Their Fussy Stars.

What if you’re director Dennis Dugan on the set of “Grownups 2” and David Spade is refusing to do the scene where he gets whacked in the groin seven times by a kid with a bucket over his head wielding a golf club. Do you:

a) Replace him with Rob Schneider but then surgically alter Schneider’s face to resemble Spade’s so as not to lose money on any pre-printed promotional material;

b) Replace him with Rob Schneider but only for the groin-whacking scenes, and then return Schneider to the secret island paradise he owns with Chris Kattan.

c) Wake up inside your trailer and laugh that it was all a dream because Spade has never balked at sacrificing his scrotum for a cheap laugh; or

d) Wake up on the set and realize it’s not just a dream because Paul Schrader’s next to you naked and pounding himself in the gonads to inspire confidence in your waffling actor.

What if you’re director Raja Gosnell on the set of “Smurfs 2” and Jayma Mays has taken craft services hostage because she’s fed up acting scenes with the tennis ball dangling from a string that will later be digitized as Handy/Grouchy/Vanity/Clumsy Smurf. Do you:

a) Shut down the whole smurfing production until the actual Handy/Grouchy/Vanity/Clumsy Smurfs can be smurfing located;

b) Wish Jayma and the old craft services well and replace them with Rob Schneider and his secret island paradise craft services team;

c) Enlist Neil Patrick Harris to distract cast and crew members with close-up magic while French special forces snipers end the standoff; or

d) Bring Paul Schrader on set to get naked and painted blue to read lines like he was George C. Scott’s character from “Hardcore.”

What if you’re director Gore Verbinski on the set of “The Lone Ranger” and Johnny Depp is refusing to play Tonto as an embarrassing Native American stereotype as written in the script and approved by your Disney overlords. Do you:

a) Remind him that this whole freaking disaster was his idea in the first place;

b) Show him the market research proving it was his lack of being an embarrassing Native American stereotype that led to the box office bombs “Dark Shadows,” “The Tourist,” and “Public Enemies”‘;

c) Rewrite the entire movie replacing Tonto with Jack Sparrow, because no one seems to be offended by an embarrassing pirate stereotype; or

d) Send Depp to one-on-one insensitivity training with Paul Schrader who’s wearing nothing but the crow headdress and the Washington Redskins mascot tattooed on his chest.

Thanks for playing, everybody. Let me know how you came down on these.