Photo by Texas State Archives

Hey there, wow, it’s already Thanksgiving again, a time to reflect on all that we’re grateful for in our lives. Granted, in America, this is either the best or worst of times, depending on whether you were angry before Nov. 8 or if you’re angry right now. One person’s hope is cause for another’s sheer panic. In this moment, however, I am trying to avoid hysteria. But as thankful as I am for all that is beautiful in my life, I’ll be really thankful if I never read these headlines in 2017.

Man Thawed After 60 Years in Cryogenic Freeze Demands Money Back – “Sheesh, I’m still in 1957,” says Lester Hudgins.

Muslims Registered in U.S. To Receive Lifetime Subscriptions to Guideposts Magazine – “They’re saving a big league 53% off the cover price,” says government official.

Vampire Sects Exploit American Exodus, Pose As Canadian Host Families – “They were all so pale and polite,” says a survivor from San Francisco, “how the hell were we to know?”

White House Outsources IT to the Crimea – Putin Yelp review “made this one a no-brainer,” says government spokesman.

EPA To Privatize, Suitors Include Dow, BP, Volkswagen – “We’d be just as happy selling it to Shell, or to a shell company,” says latest press release.

Executive Order Mandates Scott Baio To Play All Parts In ‘Hamilton’ Forever – “Baio, that sounds about as diverse as we want to get,” says The Great White Way.

‘DREAM Act’ers Deemed Too Inspirational, To Dream For Real In Medically-Induced Comas – “It’s better they stay out of sight while we craft a new ‘rapists and murderers narrative’,” says Homeland Security.

Philippines President Granted U.S. Asylum, Cabinet Post – “I think we have been a little too precious here at HHS about the sanctity of human life,” says a deputy director. “Secretary Duterte is going to do wonders for our budget.”

Bannon Militia Installs Former Access Hollywood Host as Publisher – “Don is always saying the New York Times can use more ‘bush’ in it.”

U.S. Nuclear Codes Break Re-Tweet Record – “G-d autocorrect,” says top adviser to the President.