Category Archives: What If?

Future Headlines (I Don’t Want To See)

Photo by Texas State Archives

Hey there, wow, it’s already Thanksgiving again, a time to reflect on all that we’re grateful for in our lives. Granted, in America, this is either the best or worst of times, depending on whether you were angry before Nov. 8 or if you’re angry right now. One person’s hope is cause for another’s sheer panic. In this moment, however, I am trying to avoid hysteria. But as thankful as I am for all that is beautiful in my life, I’ll be really thankful if I never read these headlines in 2017.

Man Thawed After 60 Years in Cryogenic Freeze Demands Money Back – “Sheesh, I’m still in 1957,” says Lester Hudgins.

Muslims Registered in U.S. To Receive Lifetime Subscriptions to Guideposts Magazine – “They’re saving a big league 53% off the cover price,” says government official.

Vampire Sects Exploit American Exodus, Pose As Canadian Host Families – “They were all so pale and polite,” says a survivor from San Francisco, “how the hell were we to know?”

White House Outsources IT to the Crimea – Putin Yelp review “made this one a no-brainer,” says government spokesman.

EPA To Privatize, Suitors Include Dow, BP, Volkswagen – “We’d be just as happy selling it to Shell, or to a shell company,” says latest press release.

Executive Order Mandates Scott Baio To Play All Parts In ‘Hamilton’ Forever – “Baio, that sounds about as diverse as we want to get,” says The Great White Way.

‘DREAM Act’ers Deemed Too Inspirational, To Dream For Real In Medically-Induced Comas – “It’s better they stay out of sight while we craft a new ‘rapists and murderers narrative’,” says Homeland Security.

Philippines President Granted U.S. Asylum, Cabinet Post – “I think we have been a little too precious here at HHS about the sanctity of human life,” says a deputy director. “Secretary Duterte is going to do wonders for our budget.”

Bannon Militia Installs Former Access Hollywood Host as Publisher – “Don is always saying the New York Times can use more ‘bush’ in it.”

U.S. Nuclear Codes Break Re-Tweet Record – “G-d autocorrect,” says top adviser to the President.

What If? – Hollywood Directors And Their Fussy Stars

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Norma Desmond – Sunset Boulevard

An article in last Sunday’s LA Times Calendar Section detailed the tumultuous production of Paul Schrader and Bret Easton Ellis’s new psychosexual neo-noir film “The Canyons.” Starring the ever reliable Lindsay Lohan, I was amused/disturbed to read that in order to coax his shy starlet to go through with a nude scene, Mr. Schrader himself bared all on the set.

Okay, then. I think plenty of actresses would appreciate the gesture, and you have to admire Schrader’s commitment to…the craft, yes, the CRAFT. Don’t you? Well it doesn’t matter if you don’t because Lohan eventually did, and the results are there for everyone to see (you know you want to) on VOD now and in selected cities this Friday.

Anyway, this story prompted me to wonder if other directors of other films of dubious merit this year experienced anything similar with their stars. So let’s play What If? – Hollywood Directors and Their Fussy Stars.

What if you’re director Dennis Dugan on the set of “Grownups 2” and David Spade is refusing to do the scene where he gets whacked in the groin seven times by a kid with a bucket over his head wielding a golf club. Do you:

a) Replace him with Rob Schneider but then surgically alter Schneider’s face to resemble Spade’s so as not to lose money on any pre-printed promotional material;

b) Replace him with Rob Schneider but only for the groin-whacking scenes, and then return Schneider to the secret island paradise he owns with Chris Kattan.

c) Wake up inside your trailer and laugh that it was all a dream because Spade has never balked at sacrificing his scrotum for a cheap laugh; or

d) Wake up on the set and realize it’s not just a dream because Paul Schrader’s next to you naked and pounding himself in the gonads to inspire confidence in your waffling actor.

What if you’re director Raja Gosnell on the set of “Smurfs 2” and Jayma Mays has taken craft services hostage because she’s fed up acting scenes with the tennis ball dangling from a string that will later be digitized as Handy/Grouchy/Vanity/Clumsy Smurf. Do you:

a) Shut down the whole smurfing production until the actual Handy/Grouchy/Vanity/Clumsy Smurfs can be smurfing located;

b) Wish Jayma and the old craft services well and replace them with Rob Schneider and his secret island paradise craft services team;

c) Enlist Neil Patrick Harris to distract cast and crew members with close-up magic while French special forces snipers end the standoff; or

d) Bring Paul Schrader on set to get naked and painted blue to read lines like he was George C. Scott’s character from “Hardcore.”

What if you’re director Gore Verbinski on the set of “The Lone Ranger” and Johnny Depp is refusing to play Tonto as an embarrassing Native American stereotype as written in the script and approved by your Disney overlords. Do you:

a) Remind him that this whole freaking disaster was his idea in the first place;

b) Show him the market research proving it was his lack of being an embarrassing Native American stereotype that led to the box office bombs “Dark Shadows,” “The Tourist,” and “Public Enemies”‘;

c) Rewrite the entire movie replacing Tonto with Jack Sparrow, because no one seems to be offended by an embarrassing pirate stereotype; or

d) Send Depp to one-on-one insensitivity training with Paul Schrader who’s wearing nothing but the crow headdress and the Washington Redskins mascot tattooed on his chest.

Thanks for playing, everybody. Let me know how you came down on these.

What If? With Hollywood

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Photo by Sorn

Playing the “What If?” game can sometimes be fun, but it can also be downright frightening. But what better way to overcome our fears than by bringing them to life in our imaginations, and devising their destruction in creative (and cathartic) ways? With that in mind, I raise the following nightmare scenario, which, a hypothetical evil though it may be, undoubtedly haunts the sleep of every movie-going citizen.

What if the movie studios remade, re-imagined, recycled every last title in their back catalogues? What if they exploited every board game, video game, TV show, comic book, novel, app, amusement park ride, and toy in existence? My god, what if we had to endure the horror of a moving picture featuring ideas and characters not previously conceived and presold in another format?

Whew. Congratulations if you’re still with me, if you haven’t passed out from sheer terror. Excuse me a moment, I need to steal a breath from my oxygen tank.

Now then, how are we going to confront and overcome this impending? imaginary? crisis? Well, for inspiration, I’ve decided to look within…my own cupboards and cabinets. Ah, the soothing familiarity of the ubiquitous products we all eat and employ in our everyday lives, so easily adaptable into the tentpole franchises of the not too distant future; the obvious and necessary next stage in the evolution of filmed entertainment.

So never fear fellow moviegoers, here are four Hollywood blockbusters that will save us from the coming apocalypse of originality.

Mr. Clean – A stay-at-home mom doomed to a life using off-brand cleaning products has the adventure of a lifetime when Mr. Clean (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) comes to her aid after vengeful floors and drain pipes instigate a revolution inside her home. In a touching side story, Mr. Clean reconnects with the father he thought dead (a digitally-recreated Yul Brynner using outtakes from Westworld) after a violent skirmish with Scrubbing Bubbles.

The Con Agra Solution – Chef Boyardee (Kevin James), Mrs. Butterworth (Renee Fleming) and Oscar Mayer (Christoph Waltz) do battle with an evil public school administrator out to destroy school lunches forever by insisting choices include food that hasn’t been processed or genetically modified for our safety. Cameo appearance by Samuel L. Jackson as Uncle Ben.

Snuggle Me – Instead of suicide, a lonely architect sheds his macho image and uses Snuggle Fabric Softener on his laundry, triggering a visit from Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear (voiced by Jon Voight) who teaches him how to win the woman of his dreams, a spunky cupcake entrepreneur. But the new couple’s bliss is threatened when the woman’s mother-in-law moves in and refuses to acknowledge the talking bear or the superiority of Snuggle Blue Sparkle dryer sheets over other leading brands.

What the Hell Happened to Breakfast?– In a world where children are forced to work the plain-flavored oatmeal swamps and unsweetened granola farms so common in modern dystopias, a band of valiant youths led by the Apple Jacks (the Jonas Brothers), the Froot Loops (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) and their pet rabbit Trix (Justin Bieber), dares to stand up for a child’s right to a little high fructose corn syrup, which according to revolutionary scientists just might be the cure for autism. Featuring the hit single “Two Scoops of Honey Smacks Helps The Medicine Go Down.”

Might you too have a market-tested blockbuster for Hollywood that will protect us from the unfamiliar (and thus, untrustworthy) original concept? For the sake of humankind, we all need to hear it.

What If? With Weird Al

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Photo by Kristine Slipson

Summer time is here, and if you’re like me, you can’t wait to hit all the county fairs and catch all the classic rock bands that refuse to die. And if you’re even more like me, you secretly wonder what it’d be like if each band’s lead singer was replaced by Weird Al Yankovic. Wouldn’t it be awesome if somehow Weird Al was contractually obligated to take over some of the greatest classic rock bands touring the world? That he was mandated by international law to Weird Al-ify the band name and then adapt all of their songs to fit the theme that new name reflects?

Of course it’d be awesome, and so here are some examples of classic rock bands with Weird Al Yankovic at the helm, as well as a respective song from each, all of which now feature extended accordion solos.

REO Speedwagon + Weird Al = OREO Speedwagon + “Can’t Fight This Feeling” = “Can’t Fight This Filling”
Rush + Weird Al = Flush + “Closer to the Heart” = “Closer to a Fart”
Styx + Weird Al = Shtickx + “Rockin’ the Paradise” = “Rock Opera’s My One True Vice”
Judas Priest + Weird Al = Food As Beast + “Living After Midnight” = “Liver After Midnight”
Journey + Weird Al = Gurney + “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’’” = “Strugglin’, Crutchin’, Wheezin’”

I know that you know there are more groups out there who’d love to enlist Mr. Yankovic for their tour this summer. Send me your own Weird Al/rock band equations, and then have a fantastic Fourth of July weekend.