Tag Archives: AI

AI OR DOPPELGANGER

We live in a frenetic and fragmented world. More than ever before our attention is being pulled in so many different directions, and what we have bandwidth for is shrinking every day. But I can’t hold with that excuse, not when I have a responsibility to my readers, especially those readers who feel like they’re not being heard.

And cloning seems so ok boomer, amiright?

Which is why I’m setting up an alternative means of communication for those of you trying to reach me who don’t enjoy the hold music (which is baffling, I know, “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” is very soothing). Starting August 1, I’m offering a tiered pricing model for a quicker direct connection between subscriber and…….me-adjacent.

TIER 1 – For only 5 cents a minute, enjoy a lively back and forth with “Hello My Name Is BryanChatty,” an AI approximation of me developed over a series of visits to a deprivation tank facility in Silicon Valley.

TIER 2 – For the modest price of a withered bird claw and sack of pig entrails every other blood moon, engage in a terse but uncomfortably pleasant exchange with my doppelganger who recently relocated to Los Angeles from a secluded village deep in the shadows of the Carpathian Mountains to haunt my waking life.

Each tier basically offers the subscriber an “Ask Me Anything” format but the beta testing has shown participants are most eager to: 1) discuss their relationships; 2) exchange financial advice; and 3) just need a platform in which to express their existential fears.

To get you excited about your own conversations, here’s a sampling of responses generated by our test audience’s queries:

BryanChatty: How many bad dates will it take for you to finally realize you should be running home in the rain on New Year’s Eve to your Nintendo Switch?

My Doppelganger: Desirability as a mate increases sevenfold with seven streaks on your door made from the dung of the three-eared yak of the Kodeszicu Valley. Not six streaks, seven. Six streaks will only increase by sixfold your inability to pass a bilestone.  

BryanChatty: Would Lindsay Lohan be shilling for cryptocurrency if weren’t a smart decision?

My Doppelganger: For your satchel of dried and spiced fowl meat, I will barter with this string of molars pried from the neck mouth of Crcyxix, Swampstress of Sighemuunta, removed of course after blinding her eyes by summoning a solar eclipse and confusing her mind with rumors of foxes laying with rabbits in their warrens. Final offer.

BryanChatty: You’re paying to communicate with an artificially intelligent simulation of a human being. I think we’ve jumped the shark on “existential,” don’t you?

My Doppelganger: I know you’re in your bed, Bryan. Why don’t you answer to my scratchings at the window?

Okay, well, needless to say, we are a social species/hybrid-technology and I needed to respond accordingly. So make your choice or connect with them both and let the reasonably-priced oversharing begin!

Opening Lines To Unwritten Books

Photo by Evan Amos

Hell is when you’re picturing your grandmother French-kissing her Pomeranian and you still get a boner in gym class.

Yeah, when Mr. Jones was a kid he killed a kid, but the little girl who spoke to me with her mind wouldn’t trust anyone else to save her.

Beth-Ann Monroe was all ready with her comeback for when she got caught: If you idiots had just given me the job in the first place, I’d be selling your cars not stealing them. 

Cute Little Puppy’s secret desire is to trap Farmer Wyatt inside a barn fire.

Am I bad person if I’d rather eat a bacon-wrapped razor blade on a dare than tell them the truth about what Jenna Quincy and I built in her basement?

Cute Little Puppy (rewrite 1): Cute Little Puppy’s secret desire is to be a franchise owner of an Assassins-For-Hire.

“Dude, check it out, that vampire left his wooden fangs in my neck!”

Ideally, happily ever after was forging a close personal friendship with Jake Jackson’s naked abs for the rest of eternity, but right now she’d settle for being spared the growing saliva in the corners of Mr. Dacker’s mouth as he rehashed the Pythagorean theorem.

Cute Little Puppy (rewrite 2): Cute Little Puppy’s more immediate goal is to monetize his abilities as an internet troll.

Forgive me if you’re a woodfairy reading this, but you dusted little bastards are delicious.

Giving the anti-vaxxers their own prom was the second worst idea ever, just behind me teaming up with Nurse Jimmy to crash it.

I can’t be the only You Tube star whose ex-best friend killed someone to make it happen.          

Like beauty, the difference between right and wrong is often in the eye of the beholder who doesn’t confuse his cough syrup for cherry soda.

Cute Little Puppy (the last rewrite): Cute Little Puppy’s making a new bucket list, now that its doctor found a malignant cyst.

I’m just saying, if I’d known my parents were AI sleeper agents hellbent on destroying everything I love about human civilization, there’s no way I give up on that third meatball sub.