Tag Archives: books

Are You Prepared For That Big Rewrite?

Drawing by Vincent van Gogh

Okay, so you’ve written a few drafts of your novel and you’ve gotten feedback from trusted sources, and slowly but surely it dawns on you that the story needs to go in a brand-new direction, whether through substantial changes to the characters or the plot or both.

Do. Not. Panic.

Friends, I too have been there, and over time have developed a list of key To-Do’s before embarking on any kind of large-scale revision. If you’re contemplating your own massive rewrite, this could be just the thing to boost your confidence and help you stay the course.

No. 1 Sever all ties with family and friends. The book is now your [spouse/significant other/BFF]. Hail Book!

No. 2. If you have a job, quit immediately. The tension that arises over how you’re going to pay your bills will feed directly into addressing your writers group notes about your narrative lacking conflict.

No. 3 Practice the art of insomnia. [Alternatively, replace your mattress with a bed of nails]

No. 4 Set the room temperature to touchy/reliably grouchy.

No. 5 Keep several chickens and/or goats at or near your writing space for weekly sacrifices to Book. Hail Book!

No. 6 Plastic surgery to replace your ears with noise-canceling headphones.

No. 7 Get comfortable with adult diapers. [See also: eliminating bran from your diet; See also: Google results for “eating antispasmodics like they’re Wild Berry Skittles”]

No. 8 Begin each morning burying your phone. Note: Also begin each morning drawing a map to location of said buried phone to avoid costly delay to revision due to nervous breakdown.

No. 9 Do not read a passage from your favorite book for inspiration. You don’t have a favorite book that isn’t Book. What’re you doing? Hail Book!

No. 10 Put together a writing playlist that’s basically one indefinite song with your own voice screaming over industrial EDM, “Are you done yet?!” “Are you done yet?!” “ARE YOU DONE YET?!”

Opening Lines To Unwritten Books

Photo by Evan Amos

Hell is when you’re picturing your grandmother French-kissing her Pomeranian and you still get a boner in gym class.

Yeah, when Mr. Jones was a kid he killed a kid, but the little girl who spoke to me with her mind wouldn’t trust anyone else to save her.

Beth-Ann Monroe was all ready with her comeback for when she got caught: If you idiots had just given me the job in the first place, I’d be selling your cars not stealing them. 

Cute Little Puppy’s secret desire is to trap Farmer Wyatt inside a barn fire.

Am I bad person if I’d rather eat a bacon-wrapped razor blade on a dare than tell them the truth about what Jenna Quincy and I built in her basement?

Cute Little Puppy (rewrite 1): Cute Little Puppy’s secret desire is to be a franchise owner of an Assassins-For-Hire.

“Dude, check it out, that vampire left his wooden fangs in my neck!”

Ideally, happily ever after was forging a close personal friendship with Jake Jackson’s naked abs for the rest of eternity, but right now she’d settle for being spared the growing saliva in the corners of Mr. Dacker’s mouth as he rehashed the Pythagorean theorem.

Cute Little Puppy (rewrite 2): Cute Little Puppy’s more immediate goal is to monetize his abilities as an internet troll.

Forgive me if you’re a woodfairy reading this, but you dusted little bastards are delicious.

Giving the anti-vaxxers their own prom was the second worst idea ever, just behind me teaming up with Nurse Jimmy to crash it.

I can’t be the only You Tube star whose ex-best friend killed someone to make it happen.          

Like beauty, the difference between right and wrong is often in the eye of the beholder who doesn’t confuse his cough syrup for cherry soda.

Cute Little Puppy (the last rewrite): Cute Little Puppy’s making a new bucket list, now that its doctor found a malignant cyst.

I’m just saying, if I’d known my parents were AI sleeper agents hellbent on destroying everything I love about human civilization, there’s no way I give up on that third meatball sub.  

Reader in Residence

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve asked myself, “Goodness, Bryan, couldn’t you just live in a bookstore,” I’d finally be able to afford that immersion therapy to get over my fear of nickels.

Well, I am pleased to announce that this is no longer a hypothetical musing. What started as a surprise weekend trip to Portland, Oregon has turned into (surprise!) a bid to establish residency inside Powell’s, the legendary independent bookstore. There it is, right down there.

All photos by Carolyn Kraft

And there I am, just prior to never leaving the store again.

Who needs the outdoors?

Now, don’t worry about me, I’ve got all my basic needs covered.

I take my breakfast in the Blue Room
And my lunch in the cafe
Snack time in the Rose Room!
Dinner at the window in the Gold Room

And for the times I start to lose faith in my mission, a little inspiration….

Oh, I hadn’t thought of it that way…

And just an FYI, I always brush between meals.

I think someone else tried establishing residency here–whatever happened to that guy?


Okay, well, wish me luck! According to Oregon law I only have 364 more days before I’m declared a legal resident of the store. I also could be making that up completely.

No joke, though, I am bushed after all that eating! Guess I’ll bed down right here in the Pearl Room. Good night for now.

Who hasn’t dreamed of sleeping under an SQL guidebook?

Ed. Note: Feel free to send cards, pleas for reason, and bail money to Powell’s City of Books, Attn: Guy Doing His Best To Keep Portland Weird, Blue Room, 1005 W. Burnside St., Portland, OR 97209.  

David Lynch – Room to Dream

My mistake, I suppose, was expecting a conventional book tour interview.

This was David Lynch after all, the guy who’s given us the Lady in the Radiator, Frank Booth, and those miniature demonic grandparents who slip under apartment doors.

The setting was perfect. It’s hard to beat the cavernous decadence of The Theatre at Ace Hotel, originally built in 1927, the “former flagship movie house of United Artists.”

But then the lights went down and the evening started with all 8 episodes of Dumbland, Lynch’s crudely drawn and animated web series about a brutish mouth-breather (literally), his traumatized wife, and their hyperactive son in the suburbs. This is David Lynch’s suburbs, however, so a neighbor is a man with a removable arm who has sex with ducks, ants do a song-and-dance number calling attention to the main character being a “dumbturd,” and another character has the stick caught in his mouth removed by way of his eye sockets. It’s funny in a punishing way. To me, the series is more a testament to Lynch’s genius with sound design, which he employs to great unsettling effect.

Still, my heart sank a little because these events don’t usually run very long and the “Dumbland” screening ate up over half an hour.  I was not encouraged, then, when Kristine McKenna, moderator and co-author of Lynch’s new hybrid memoir-biography, said she wasn’t going to ask him anything about the book. Instead, she had a few questions about “Summer,” as in the season, the first day of which is when this talk took place.

Okay, all right, I could go with this. Lynch is too interesting a person not to have something intriguing to share. He doesn’t like summer vacations. His ideal day is waking up refreshed, having a cup of coffee, doing some meditation, and then getting to work on a project, which can mean a painting, a film, or just daydreaming. He compared phones to sugar, meaning they’re as hard to give up as a “bag of really good cookies.”

That portion lasted about 10 minutes and then it was time for audience questions, which were submitted prior to the start of the program. Most of them concerned Twin Peaks, with one question prompting him to tell the story of how the pivotal character of Bob was inspired by set dresser/actor Frank Silva being in the “wrong” place at the right time. Another got him to reveal that he’d written and abandoned a film adaptation of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis. An inquiry into his recurring dreams had him describing one where he’s in the desert watching his approaching father become distorted by the waves of heat coming off the sand, and not knowing whether this was his “good” father or his “bad” father. Later in the dream he’s hiding at the very top of a marble structure listening to the footsteps below, presumably one of the fathers looking for him. The best question was “How do you keep your hair up?” Smiling slyly, Lynch replied, “I have a heart-to-heart talk with it every morning.”

Good stuff, I thought, but then it was all over, six audience questions answered in 20 minutes. And the long, long, long line for the book signing still awaited……which I admit I abandoned.

Sure, I was disappointed. Not so disappointed I was going to cut off someone’s ear so Kyle Maclachlan could find it in a field later. No.

But look, I love Lynch’s movies and how his mind works. He’s a master of mood, of atmosphere, of residing very comfortably in that often discomfiting zone between dreaming and waking life. I do find him inspiring and an influence on my writing. I just wanted more time with the guy.

Hey, at least I have the book, Room to Dream, which I must say is pretty impressive in its depth and breadth. We’re cautioned that answers to the puzzles that are Lynch’s art do not reside here, but that’s fine, I’m not looking for answers. I just find him, the work, and his creative process fascinating and stimulating. If books are where I have to go to access that as well as the perspectives of his family members and creative collaborators, there are worse places to look. I mean, imagine being inside Kenneth McMillan’s Baron Harkonnen fat suit.

 

What I Heard At The LA Times Festival Of Books!

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

It is a blessing the doctors were able to replace my ears in time for this year’s Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. I’ll never fall asleep in a lawn care store again, let me tell you.

Anywho, this past weekend the LATFOB was held once again at the glamorous USC campus and was a treasure trove for authors and readers alike. I checked it out on both Saturday and Sunday, and the gauze was just breathable enough to let in many an insight and observation, as well as several nuggets of wisdom. Here is a smattering of what I heard:

“Authors are the brand, not the publishers.”

“The intimacy between book and reader is part of every aspect of the industry.”

“An editor’s job is to connect the writer and the reader. Editors are sometimes guilty of not thinking about that.”

“Staying respectful is very hard to do on the internet.”

“Before Amazon, it was Barnes & Noble and Borders as the behemoths [accused of] crushing the industry, and now it’s like ‘please Barnes & Noble, please stick around!’ ”

“Someone told me that you’re only allowed one dream sequence in your career, and I’ve just blown my load in this new book.”

“I don’t remember my dreams, but for some reason people always tell me theirs…so I steal them.”

“Anyone who looks at the world, if you’re not writing horror stories, what are you doing?”

“I push back against the label ‘literary’ horror. It sounds like, ‘we like you but not your friend.’ ”

[Regarding writing] “There is no way you can escape the work.”

“Elevators are the physical manifestation of a traumatized mind.”

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

“Every story should start a chapter late and end a chapter early.”

“A fellow writer once described my book as this beautiful bonbon that when you bite into it oozes puss and maggots.”

[Regarding technology] “We tend to believe that we can make it, but not always should we make it.”

“Young people don’t have the opportunity to be bored anymore.”

“I believe there is a creative energy that connects our hearts to each other.”

“I have a blood splatter library.”

“As a Nigerian-American, you have four career options: Doctor, lawyer, engineer, disgrace to the family.”

“It is the insecurity of our parents that stifles our children.”

“Listening keeps my writing fresh.”

“You find out at 15 that you don’t have much control over what happens to you. But you do have control over how you react to it.”

“Excellence is a habit.”

 

WHO SAID THIS STUFF: Carolyn Kellogg; Betty Amster; Peter Ginna; Glory Edim; Ginna; Carmen Maria Machado; Victor LaValle; Ben Loory; LaValle; Jason Reynolds; Reynolds; Reynolds; Dhonielle Clayton; Marie Lu; Reynolds; Laurie Halse Anderson; Emily Carroll; Tochi Onyebuchi; Reynolds; Renee Watson; Anderson; Reynolds

 

What Are You Reading This Summer?

Photo by Caterina

Hey, it’s been over a year since I last put up a What Are You Reading? post, and because the summer is when many of us catch up on our book piles, it’s time to check in on your literary to-do list.

Me, I’ll be honest, Summertime is when I go diving into the dumpsters of literature for stuff that, even when you dust off the rat corpses fused to it, makes your conscience ache like it’s got a parasite………..at least not until September.

Go ahead, judge me, I’m not ashamed. Just yesterday I was at the local coffee shop flaunting my trash for all the world to see. There I was, sipping an iced tea and cracking the spine on Esoteric Approaches To Hybrid Bioreactor Landfilling

Okay, okay, fine, you caught me in a lie. That’s not the title. It’s Erotic Approaches to Hybrid Bioreactor Landfilling. And oh did people ogle.

But lest you think I’m all style and no substance, I finished some outstanding novels recently: The Door, by Magda Szabo, The House With A Clock In Its Walls, by John Bellairs, Trouble Is A Friend of Mine, by Stephanie Tromly. And, currently, whenever I tire of Erotic Approaches, I pick up where I left off on Hillbilly Elegy, by J.D. Vance.

So, what about you? What are you reading this summer?

Some Favorite Poems From Childhood

Photo by Lienhard Shulz

I was doing some Spring-cleaning the other day, and while rummaging around in a storage bin I came across a book I suddenly realized has been with me since I was about five years old. Though the cover is creased and faded, and its pages nearly as yellow as a smoker’s teeth, Pennies For The Wishing Well, by Cleaver Deeks, is still an absolute delight.

Reading the poems again and reveling in their celebration of the innocence and sense of discovery that is childhood, I remembered how they helped spur what’s become a lifelong love of the written word. I couldn’t wait to share it with you.

Copied below are three of my favorites. Hope you enjoy them, and please let me know some of your favorite poems from when you were young.

            Little Billy’s Loose Tooth

             Little Billy had a tooth his tongue could wiggle, wiggle.

             Little Billy wasn’t scared, in fact, he giggled, giggled

             Then one day the tooth popped out

             And Little Billy made such a shout!

             As the alien gas, no longer trapped,

             Fried everybody’s brains into squiggle, squiggles.

           

            Goose Under The Bridge

             There’s a goose under the bridge!

             Yes, a goose lives under the bridge!

             Give her the crumbs and the crust of your bread

             Or give her the pellets from the dispenser instead

             What fun it is to feed the goose

             and the goslings that do flock her

             And ponder the psych0-sexual vibes you’ve been getting from your doctor.

             

            Cannibal Circus

             The cannibal circus is coming to town!

             We know Mommy and Daddy won’t let us down

             Last year was Grandma who survived her chagrin

             That it costs an arm and a leg to get in.

LA Times Festival of Books!

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

If it’s the end of April it can only mean a few things. One, that my wooden leg will start to yearn for the boreal forests of Norway and I will spend hours on the phone negotiating the fake limb rate with Virgin Atlantic, and two, the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. Held this past weekend on the luxurious USC campus, the LATFOB was once again a shining mecca for writers and readers, and, this year, the grounds for a clever-creepy marketing campaign for Hulu’s adaptation of The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood.

I was in attendance on both Saturday and Sunday, and heard many an inspiring word. Here are some of those words:

“Writing is like breathing to me; if I don’t write, I’ll die.”

“A really good novel is like a burlesque show.”

[Regarding “unlikable” characters in YA fiction] “I remember when I was a teenager, my thoughts were pretty evil; I just didn’t say everything.”

[Regarding a writer’s process] “Instead of ‘pantser’ or ‘plotter,’ I like to think of it as are you a gardener or are you an architect?”

“The daily mind is lazy relative to the reader mind.”

“Language can be twisted to tolerate lies.”

“My experiences as a teenager were kind of dull, but my emotions were epic.”

“Chipotle asked me, do you have something that we can put on a bag for a shit-ton of money?”

“When it comes to my characters, I am a horrible person.”

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

“The highest truth is a series of contradictions.”

“That first email to Erwin, that was confrontational.”  “No, it wasn’t.”  “Yes, it was.”  “No.”  “Yes, it was like ‘I’m here, looking for a fight.'”  “No way.” “Do you want me to read it back to you?”

“You don’t write for ‘children’ you write for one child, or for the child you used to be.”

“When you’re writing a story and you get stuck, embrace it. It’s just the story telling you, ‘You’re not listening to me.’ ”

“People spend more money on yoga than on books.”  “Maybe we could change that if we can convince people to read in hot rooms.”

“I used to have this condition when I was younger called Hemingway boner.”

“I don’t know if I’m gifted, but I do know how to work hard. I have discipline.”

“We’re able to entertain several different versions of the truth simultaneously.”

“I will defend trashy YA to my death.”

“First drafts are like I’m just shoveling sand into a sandbox; later on, I’ll build sand castles.”

WHO SAID THIS STUFF (in order): Benjamin Alire SaenzAaron HartzlerMaggie Thrash; Ellen Hopkins; George Saunders; Saunders; Julie Berry; Saunders; Frances Hardinge; Saunders; strangers overheard before the start of a panel discussion; Melissa de la Cruz; Saunders; Lisa Lucas and Oscar Villalon; Saunders; Saenz; Saunders; Thrash; Shannon Hale

LA Times Festival of Books!

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

It’s April again and that can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. My apologies to anyone looking for a post on whether or not creamed honey will finally be classified as an alternative fuel. (You’ll have to wait for my review later this year of the new Nissan Mecha-Grizzly.)

This post is about the 21st Annual LA Times Festival of Books, held last weekend on the beautiful brick and stone USC campus. Saturday was rainy and Sunday was sunny and both days were very well-attended. Here are some of the intriguing things the authors I saw had to say:

“Magical realism reminds us as human beings that there is hope and beauty out there.”

“If you believe along with the narrator that the [fantastical] things happening are true, it’s not magical realism. If you don’t, then it is.”

“Writers are often reacting to things that frustrate them about their other writing.”

“YA [literature] is so wide open. You can go anywhere you want. There’s no box you have to fit into.”

“When people have complimented me on my writing, they said it’s mysterious and cryptic and things are not explained. When people have criticized my writing, they said it’s mysterious and cryptic and things are not explained.”

“What’s cool about art is the exceptions.”

“I don’t really care what genre means. The work can take care of itself.”

“When you begin a novel you feel like a bit of a fraud. The more you do it the more faith you have in the viability of the world you’re creating.”

“I think about readers after the fact. It’s not what drives me to do the work. I don’t think it’s healthy to think about it.”

“Fiction, art, always has to be life plus.

“Donald Trump is able to go for the jugular. It’s like he stole Jeb Bush’s lunch money, threw his shoes up on top of the school, and Jeb couldn’t handle it.”

“Disney told me, ‘We want a thriller, but nothing bad can happen.’ ”

“What’s special about this story? If I can’t find it, I don’t write it.”

“There’s no ‘Red Weddings’ in Middle Grade.”

“My narrator is the crotchety old man who lives inside of me.”

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

“Very rarely will someone buy your intentions. Finish the book.”

“The anxiety of not knowing where I’m going in a story is what drives me.”

“I wrote this [middle grade] book as a YA novel, but it’s not. My editor pointed this out to me.”

“Wonder isn’t about finding answers; it’s about being comfortable with the questions.”

“There are as many ways to be dead as there are to be alive.”

“Teenagers: Maximum personal responsibility with absolutely no personal power.”

“Some 17-year-olds are 13 in their heads and some 17-year-olds are 25 in their heads. And they have to hang out together.”

“The only thing worse than writing is not writing.”

“Every first draft I go through this question: ‘I don’t know how to do this.’ ”

“If you’re a young person and you have the choice between writing and having an experience, have the experience.”

WHO SAID THIS STUFF (in order): Sean McGintyShaun David Hutchinson, Peter Rock, McGinty, Rock, McGinty, Patrick DeWitt, Karl Taro Greenfeld, DeWitt, Greenfeld, Dee Dee MyersRidley Pearson, Soman Chainani, M.A. Larson, Tahereh Mafi, Larson, Chainani, Mafi, Leigh Ann Henion, Claire Bidwell Smith, Jeff Garvin, Jesse Andrews, Garvin, Don Calame, Aaron Hartzler

What Are You Reading?

Photo by Petar Milosevic

Photo by Petar Milosevic

Spring is here again, and there’s no better way to celebrate than by digging out that old bunny costume from underneath your bed and walking the streets in it smoking a carrot and handing out to random passersby plastic eggs with cryptic messages inside like “Why does Dolly always get to lick the spines on brackish mackerel night?”

Hmmm…not sure where that…

Hey, what’s the SECOND best way to celebrate Spring?

By reading a good book outdoors, of course.

Here’s what I’ve been reading recently under the emergent sun: the stunning allegorical YA novel Challenger Deep, by Neal Shusterman, about a teen’s battle with mental illness; Purity by Jonathan Franzen, about a millennial’s search for herself and her parents’ true identities in a hyper-connected world; and Nothing to Envy, by Barbara Demick, about successful defectors from North Korea who survived its brutal famine of the mid to late 1990’s.

So that’s me, what have YOU been reading these days?