FROM THE OFFICE OF THE INTERNET:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. Due to a breach of the provision stipulated in Paragraph 6.1 (a) of the Blogging Services Agreement (rev. 1/1/14) between bryanhilson.com and Internet, whereupon “BLOGGER shall honor a cooling-off period of 180 days before cannibalizing his own ideas for want of future blog posts…” bryanhilson.com is hereby suspended from Internet until such time that said breach is remedied effective to breached party’s terms and conditions as detailed in Appendix X-1 of the Agreement.
Internet’s Contract Solvency Division (“CSD”) reports that the rupture occurred on July 10, 2014 when bryanhilson.com published a post entitled “Ask A Revolving Door,” only 102 days after publishing a post entitled “Ask A Post-Apocalyptic Dystopia” on March 30, 2014. After conducting its investigation (and producing a high resolution graphic comparative analysis to be featured in the September 2014 edition of High Resolution Graphic Comparative Analyses ), CSD determined it a case of “creative cannibalism” warranting immediate termination and indefinite suspension.
Contrary to what has been insinuated in other news sources (whose Internet contracts are also under CSD review), this termination of blogging services is in no way a retaliation against bryanhilson.com for failing to hire one Irwin Chattendale, 20, for its open intern position. While it is true that Mr. Chattendale is Internet’s second cousin’s youngest son (send all correspondence regarding the Internet Artificial Insemination Program 1995-2007 care of the CSD), it should be expressly noted that neither Internet nor its agents, associates, representatives, or subsidiaries has ever attempted to influence administrative operations at bryanhilson.com.
Although we feel Mr. Chattendale to be a qualified–if not over-qualified–candidate for the position, we do acknowledge that his decision to delay pursuing his degree in urban planning in order to concentrate on mastering “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood” may have adversely affected his desirability. However, to be clear, Mr. Chattendale, his qualifications, and his taste in application software are immaterial to the facts binding bryanhilson.com to our fully enforceable and final decision.
Although it is this blogger’s mission to develop content that will tap into a niche but hopefully ever-expanding audience, he sometimes can become so consumed in writing what HE wants to read he doesn’t take into account WHO he’s writing for. Neglects the very people who, if properly stimulated by his output, could launch his blog to the next level like they were shooting it out of a T-shirt cannon, past the book publishers’ mezzanine and all the way up to those glassed-in luxury boxes where the glitterati of Hollywood assemble (and probably have sex), and then eventually HE will be played by Amy Adams in a hit movie based on his galdang blog galdangit.