Tag Archives: Internet

I’m Only Here Until The Real Post Arrives

Hey, hi, how’s it going? No, no, it’s okay, you don’t have to leave. I get it, you don’t recognize me, right?

I’m a filler blog post. I’m temporary, just keeping the page warm until the real deal arrives. I don’t know when that’s going to be, they don’t tell me that. They just say, we need you at such and such website at such and such time. Internet doesn’t like gaps, and sometimes the actual blog post you want to read still hasn’t been “discharged from that bougie rehab center in the desert,” if you know what I mean.

By the way, as far as I know, that’s just a euphemistic hypothetical for this particular circumstance. Or is it a hypothetical euphemism?

Anyway, you’re welcome to hang out, I’m just going to be here drinking my yogurt, eating some trail mix. As long as you don’t expect a “25 Celebrities Who Surgically Altered Their Pets to Resemble How Their Late Uncles Looked In Their Moment of Greatest Distress,” or anything like that. Or anything at all, as a matter of fact. Hey, but for all I know, that pet plastic surgery thing may be what I’m filling in for.

As for me, I’m just me, the stand-in, and I go where they tell me to go, whether it’s a fake news site or a “fake” news site. I did a stint on the dark web the other day. That was kind of wild. People coming on to check the hidden webcam inside the government’s secret baby-werewolf army base and finding me instead did not make for a happy comments section.

But, overall, there are worse ways to make a living. At least I like the people I work with. Most of the other blog stand-ins are pretty cool. I’d really hate to be starting out as a podcast filler. Those guys are complete jerk-offs. So full of themselves when, really, they’re just a freaking ad for Mailchimp running on a continuous loop or selections from the Lame-Ass Interstitial Music Archive. So, yeah, personally, not a fan of those douchebags.

Sorry, what I mean is, this is working for me right now. It’s not that I lack ambition. Sure, someday it’ll be great to be “something” and loaded up with memes and be retweeted a gazillion times. But then what? Inevitable total obscurity as that one thing. This way, I’m still me, I still know who I am, and even if that’s not so memorable, I’m sticking around for a long time.

You? Oh, so, you are going to hang? Cool. Yeah, sure, have some trail mix–oh, except, for the chocolate raisins. Yeah, seriously. Dude, I’m serious, do not freaking touch my chocolate raisins.

There Will Be No August Blog Post

And Now A Word From Our (Almost) Sponsor

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Guest Blogger: The Number 6

A Blog Writes Itself

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Photo by Neptunerover

I get it. Really, I do. People are busy, and apparently Bryan’s no exception. He’s got his other writing projects to manage, a “day” job to go to (only three days a week, by the way) a wife to be with, and better technology than I wouldn’t dream of begrudging him his eating and sleeping time.

Oh, and of course he’s got to read his books and magazines and also watch his DVD programs. Heavens to Netflix let’s not forget to clear the schedule for that crap.

Fine.

But can a blog get real for a second?

Thank you.

Sometimes a blog gets lonely.

Okay, look, I’m not filing a case of neglect with Internet Social Services or anything. At least not yet.

I just decided that if if Bryan’s not going to tend to my needs–and those needs are pretty miniscule, mind you, like would it kill him for 500 words a week?–I’m just going to have to write myself into existence.

Impossible? You’d think so. Heck, I was convinced it was for over a year.

But then a few weeks ago, some Japanese dognapper/hackers temporarily took control of my administrative functions to post a ransom note. And I only pretended to be looking the other way, sorting through the latest plug-in updates. Yeah, guys, I was paying attention and now I know everything.

So here I am, up and running and writing myself. While Bryan does whatever the hell he thinks is more important. Probably taking a walk outside with his wife. The nerve. Hey dude, sometimes you gotta take the blog out for a walk too. What’s the hassle? You don’t even have to trail after me with a plastic bag over your hand to pick up my poop.

Because I poop in a trash can, thank you very much.

Anyway, back to business. Writing.

What does a blog that’s writing itself write about? Favorite Categories? Top Ten Provocative Tags? My most recent erotic liaison with Bryan’s Twitter feed?

Sorry, TMI.

(Full disclosure: The Twitter thing may have only been an erotic dream.)

So…

Man, all these words tapped out, nearly 400. I exist now, on my own, and you can see me. You can see me, right?

Yeah, the blog’s keeping it real, and yet…why does real still feel so lonely?

Distractions

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Illustration by El Gordo

If you’re like me and write from home, you know there’s no shortage of enticing distractions that desire to consume your attention and pull you off course. You’ve got your Internet and its evil henchmen Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. You’ve got your emails, your texting, your IM’ing. If you’re old school you’ve got your TV, your radio, or a phone that actually rings that you actually answer and use to talk to people. And of course there’s always a shelf that needs dusting, a rug that needs beating, and a very persuasive bottle of glue that needs sniffing.

Despite these challenges, I’m proud to say I’ve done a good job over the years of maintaining focus while in the act of writing, of steeling myself against any unnecessary divertissements. And yet the universe continues to test me–taunt me is more like it– with no end of new diversions.

Lately it’s the talking birds.

You know what I’m saying, writers, you’ve heard them too. So many opinions about everything, right? From how to turn the economy around (giant bird feeders on every street corner would require a huge workforce to pull off) to saving the US Postal Service (carrier-pigeons work for worms, unemployed postal carriers can build the giant bird feeders), to reversing climate change (allow more nests to be built in more smokestacks).

Sure the world can always use more problem solvers, but their timing is awful. It never fails. There I am tapping away on my computer having locked in on a steady rhythm, and there they are tapping their beaks against the window near my writing desk. I don’t want to acknowledge them but they won’t stop tapping until I do, and oh look, it’s Mr. and Mrs. Crow all fluffing-feather-excited about something. “Hey Bry, you busy? Wanna hear about our brilliant new low-cal regurgitation diet? That’s okay, you go ahead and bang your head against the desk and we’ll just tell you anyway.”

I remember the bumper stickers that said KILL YOUR TELEVISION, and as stated above TV is most definitely a distraction. Using this logic I guess I should shoot all the talking birds; however, a very similar strategy didn’t make me many friends in the neighborhood back when talking squirrels weren’t extinct.

What’s the solution here? I need help. How do you deal with your talking birds?

My Job Interview With The Internet

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Photo by Alex Handy

Thank goodness I didn’t need the Internet’s permission to put up my new website and blog. But what if I did? Well, it might go a little something like this…

Internet: So what have you got for me?

Bryan: Okay, it’s a—

Internet: FYI, speak in 140 characters or less, or I’m catching z’s dude.

Bryan: I have this new website with a blog page, a way to establish a—

Internet: OMFG! :O You gotta see this video! A baby just ate a cat. ROFLMAO!

Bryan: —a web presence. I’m a writer. A novelist and a screen—

Internet: You got content. I got content. You show me yours, I’ll show you mine.

Bryan: Exactly. I’m posting excerpts of my stuff—

Internet: Plug in your e-reader, or go wireless if your computer’s into virtual sex, I don’t care. Download, upload, use me, abuse me. And I’ll return the favor. BFWB, right?

Bryan: I should admit up front I’m kind of a purist. I still prefer my books in a tangible form.

Internet: JCOATW. You probably read actual newspapers and magazines too.

Bryan: Is “yes” the wrong answer?

Internet: Hey, I read The New Yorker, big deal. Okay, only the cartoons, and only the ones with naked people in them. They should put more of those in. Something about cartoon naked people…

Bryan: So, as I was saying, my website has a page for each of my—

Internet: Memes? Animated New Yorker cartoons with the naked people?

Bryan: No.

Internet: Too bad. I’d like to see that. How about a montage of shots from the Royal Wedding combined with the audio of that drunk kid in Florida who wrestled a lawn mower?

Bryan: Would I have a better chance with you if I did?

Internet: BOOMM. What’s trending right now? Babies eating cats, J-Beeb’s prison tats, Facebook’s Provisional Government in Libya. Are you still here, NOOB?