Tag Archives: writing process

Are You Prepared For That Big Rewrite?

Okay, so you’ve written a few drafts of your novel and you’ve gotten feedback from trusted sources, and slowly but surely it dawns on you that the story needs to go in a brand-new direction, whether through substantial changes to the characters or the plot or both.

Do. Not. Panic.

Friends, I too have been there, and over time have developed a list of key To-Do’s before embarking on any kind of large-scale revision. If you’re contemplating your own massive rewrite, this could be just the thing to boost your confidence and help you stay the course.

No. 1 Sever all ties with family and friends. The book is now your [spouse/significant other/BFF]. Hail Book!

No. 2. If you have a job, quit immediately. The tension that arises over how you’re going to pay your bills will feed directly into addressing your writers group notes about your narrative lacking conflict.

No. 3 Practice the art of insomnia. [Alternatively, replace your mattress with a bed of nails]

No. 4 Set the room temperature to touchy/reliably grouchy.

No. 5 Keep several chickens and/or goats at or near your writing space for weekly sacrifices to Book. Hail Book!

No. 6 Plastic surgery to replace your ears with noise-canceling headphones.

No. 7 Get comfortable with adult diapers. [See also: eliminating bran from your diet; See also: Google results for “eating antispasmodics like they’re Wild Berry Skittles”]

No. 8 Begin each morning burying your phone. Note: Also begin each morning drawing a map to location of said buried phone to avoid costly delay to revision due to nervous breakdown.

No. 9 Do not read a passage from your favorite book for inspiration. You don’t have a favorite book that isn’t Book. What’re you doing? Hail Book!

No. 10 Put together a writing playlist that’s basically one indefinite song with your own voice screaming over industrial EDM, “Are you done yet?!” “Are you done yet?!” “ARE YOU DONE YET?!”

Opening Lines To Unwritten Books

1 Reply

Hell is when you’re picturing your grandmother French-kissing her Pomeranian and you still get a boner in gym class.

Yeah, when Mr. Jones was a kid he killed a kid, but the little girl who spoke to me with her mind wouldn’t trust anyone else to save her.

Beth-Ann Monroe was all ready with her comeback for when she got caught: If you idiots had just given me the job in the first place, I’d be selling your cars not stealing them.

Cute Little Puppy’s secret desire is to trap Farmer Wyatt inside a barn fire.

Am I bad person if I’d rather eat a bacon-wrapped razor blade on a dare than tell them the truth about what Jenna Quincy and I built in her basement?

Cute Little Puppy (rewrite 1): Cute Little Puppy’s secret desire is to be a franchise owner of an Assassins-For-Hire.

“Dude, check it out, that vampire left his wooden fangs in my neck!”

Ideally, happily ever after was forging a close personal friendship with Jake Jackson’s naked abs for the rest of eternity, but right now she’d settle for being spared the growing saliva in the corners of Mr. Dacker’s mouth as he rehashed the Pythagorean theorem.

Cute Little Puppy (rewrite 2): Cute Little Puppy’s more immediate goal is to monetize his abilities as an internet troll.

Forgive me if you’re a woodfairy reading this, but you dusted little bastards are delicious.

Giving the anti-vaxxers their own prom was the second worst idea ever, just behind me teaming up with Nurse Jimmy to crash it.

I can’t be the only You Tube star whose ex-best friend killed someone to make it happen.

Like beauty, the difference between right and wrong is often in the eye of the beholder who doesn’t confuse his cough syrup for cherry soda.

Cute Little Puppy (the last rewrite): Cute Little Puppy’s making a new bucket list, now that its doctor found a malignant cyst.

I’m just saying, if I’d known my parents were AI sleeper agents hellbent on destroying everything I love about human civilization, there’s no way I give up on that third meatball sub.

This Mystery Called The Writing Process

Leave a reply

Photo by Brunella Iannuzzi

There’s no one way to write a story. Everybody’s process is different. And I think everyone who’s tried it can speak to moments where certain elements have come almost instantly, instinctively, while others take weeks or months of questioning and searching to show themselves.

Creativity is a big, beautiful mystery and of course the act of writing is no different. Well, okay, maybe a little different in my case, as I’ve found that my writing process is actually, essentially, five distinct mysteries occurring on any given day.

I present them here in a public forum for the very first time. Remember, my friends, it’s not always about easy answers, but about embracing the unknown, in achieving our best work.

MYSTERY ONE: Is this digestive tea doing anything for that fish mistake in my stomach when I step away from the computer briefly to organize my drink umbrella collection by most to least graphic lost time accidents in the factories where they were made?

MYSTERY TWO: Who changed the alerts on my phone to sound like a small child trapped under a Chevy Silverado so that once the danger has passed I’m channeling my adrenaline into several hours in the comments section of every single Clash of Clans cheat site?

MYSTERY THREE: Why does that ticking noise stop when I stare open-mouthed at the refrigerator and why not clean out the freezer while I’m waiting for my napping pajamas to finish in the dryer?

MYSTERY FOUR: Are the cracks in the ceiling actually a secret code left by time-travelers about an impending alien invasion that can only be deciphered by just one more trick roping cat video?

MYSTERY FIVE: What am I doing here again, yeah, that I can’t be not doing and also bingeing on homemade cough syrup and all 8 seasons of “Kindergartner Hostage Negotiators”?

What’s mysterious about your writing process? Tell me about it!

Courage To Face The Blank Page

4 Replies

The Lancashire Witches - from the archives of the Project Gutenberg

As writers we know how daunting it can be to face the blank page, and sometimes we do little things to build up our courage so we can have a productive day. Some people keep inspirational quotes or motivational sayings near their writing desk. Some people read a page or two from their favorite book to pump themselves up, while others start their sessions by doing some freewriting, to warm up their writerly muscles as it were. Every writer is different.

Here are the three things I do before diving in for a day’s work:

1. I’m a morning writer, so it’s essential that I eat a good breakfast. Some people swear by their protein shakes, but I’m hooked on an eclectic little potion I buy from three homely sisters out of the Czech Republic. It’s a bit expensive, and the ingredients on their own, wing of black bat, blood of gargoyle, paw of black cat, an ogre’s boil, are disgusting, but I’m telling you after you blend them all together and pour that creamy froth down your throat you’ll wonder why it’s not available in every GNC.

It makes you feel so great afterwards, really energetic, like your soul just went up a size. Which may have something to do with the warning on the package that says someone in the world dies every time you make it, but hey, somebody’s got to suffer for your art, and why should it be you?

2. People love their yoga and their meditation, don’t they? What I do is sort of a combination of both. First, I turn off all the lights in my room and then light the candles I’ve arranged in an intricate and precise pattern on the floor, according to specifications recommended by Tobin’s Spirit Guide. I then sit on a meditation pillow and say these words in my head over and over “Ixkash, Axkash, Oxkash, Exkash.” And I keeping doing it until a different voice in my head takes over; it’s a pretty deep, ground-rattling voice, actually, and eventually it gets so loud I have to let it just speak through me. Sometimes I say zany stuff like “The gates of Hell need more children’s bones,” or “Succumb to me or my demon crows will devour your flesh.” Other times, I’ll say “Combine chapters 3 and 4 and move them to the end of part 2…now I will build an altar to sacrifice your virgins.” Oh, and the yoga part is that I’m able to spin my head 360 degrees. Yeah, I’d like to see any Bikram fanatic do that!

I find this all really gets my adrenaline going and the creative juices flowing. I have had some cloven feet issues in the past, and it does hurt to urinate for about an hour afterwards, but it’s worth it. My writing has definitely benefited.

3. Last but not least, I listen to thirty minutes of Yanni. Whenever I tell people this it really creeps them out. I don’t get it. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

So that’s me. How do you build up the courage to face the blank page?