Category Archives: Best Of Lists

There Can Be Only Two Best of 2016 Lists

Photo by Chris Potter

A big thank you to everyone who chimed in last week to help me decide which of my Best Of 2016 lists I should make public. Wouldn’t you know it, after weeding out the millions of fraudulent votes, it came down to a tie. Ah well, here’s the both of them. Goodbye 2016!

Top Ten Fake Phone Calls I Took To Avoid Talking To My Imaginary Friend

10. Sorry, Blinkers, but I’ve been waiting since like forever (okay, last Wednesday) for the center of the earth to return my call.

9. Sorry, Blinkers, my left brain is really circling the drain right now, I’ve got to take this.

8. Sorry, Blinkers, it’s my inner child calling collect from the California Men’s Colony.

7. Sorry, Blinkers, only real boys can hear Mrs. StoryBottoms through the phone I’ve turned my thumb and pinkie into.

6. Sorry, Blinkers, it’s my dream broker, and there’s this amazing naked-at-school-astride-a-unicorn-made-of-soft-serve-ice-cream stock I have to hear about.

5. Sorry, Blinkers, but this is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn about a revolutionary new foot cream that American podiatrists are keeping a secret from me.

4. Sorry, Blinkers, it’s Frankie Foodstain, the coping mechanism my dumb therapist came up with when I was in fifth grade and couldn’t eat my lunch without wearing most of it the rest of the day.

3. Sorry, Blinkers, there’s just never a good excuse later for hanging up on the mother of my octopus babies.

2. Sorry, Blinkers, I’m on the line with your supervisor, you know, about the things you made me say when I was supposed to be allodoxaphobic.

1. Sorry, Blinkers, my god, I’m 42 years old.

Photo by Broken Sphere

Top Ten Thoughts I Didn’t Keep To Myself After You Left About The Crappy Tuna Casserole You Baked At The Last Minute Only Because You Felt Guilty About Not Remembering It Was A Potluck When We Ran Into Each Other At The Store And You Didn’t Compliment My New Haircut

10. Is that a casserole, or did someone just perform an autopsy on my neighbor’s Pomeranian and do you notice anything different about me?

9. I’ve seen fresher tuna on the sidewalk after too much Saki and what if I turn my head this way, anything?

8. Forget Tuna Helper, this garbage came right out of a box of Tuna “Hurter” and how about now, in this light it should be easier to tell.

7. You can taste it in the peas, he has a serious mental condition he’s not telling anybody about and here you sit down and look up at me from that angle, it’s really pretty obvious.

6. What kind of person takes home the potholders he brings to a potluck? The kind who lets Kitty Genovese die that’s who and I’m going to walk a little bit so you can see me from the back.

5. No, I thought sprinkling in the potato chips was a classy touch too, I always top my meals with whatever’s left at the bottom of a bag and I think the problem is there’s a glare coming off the windows and when you squint it’s hard to tell something’s changed about me.

4. Oh, were those noodles? I thought somebody’d got into my uncle’s tapeworm collection and how about I hold up this picture of me from last week and you compare it to the me right in front of you?

3. What do you think, he must’ve put in 3/4 of a cup of can’tcookforshit when a 1/2 cup would’ve been plenty and seriously I can’t draw you a better picture of what’s going on on my head.

2. Yeah, I know exactly which cookbook this came out of, How To Cook Everything With Apathy Worst Friend Ever and everyone shut up I want everyone’s attention right now stop talking and listen to me I can’t believe I have to do this at my own potluck.

1. I got my freaking hair cut. Okay?! NEW. HAIRCUT. Assholes.

There Can Be Only One “Best Of 2016” List

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Photo by Cecil Beaton

Hey, hi, Happy Belated New Year!

So, here’s the deal, I’m a bit behind with posting a “Best Of ” list for 2016. Crazily enough, for as gloomy as it seemed, the year provided me with a surplus of topics. But I need some help. I’ve narrowed it down to ten “Top Tens,” but I can’t decide which one to publish. How about you be the decider? Thanks, reader(s)!

THE YEAR THAT WAS 2016

Top Ten Rationalizations For Why I Kept Touching Your Food In The Office Fridge

Top Ten Moments When I Realized Too Late I Don’t Have Telekinesis

Top Ten Explanations For How That Jackhammer Ended Up Here And Not In Detroit

Top Ten Hallucinations While Trapped And Dehydrated In That Forbidding Chasm Store

Top Ten Apologies For When You Find The Lap Band They Took Out Of Me In Your Suitcase

Top Ten Fake Phone Calls I Took To Avoid Talking To My Imaginary Friend

Top Ten Harangues When A Simple Harumph Would Have Sufficed

Top Ten Organ Transplants I Wish I’d Been Too Drunk To Perform

Top Ten Negotiating Tactics For When I Have That Dream Again About Kim Jung Un And His Levitating Cage Of Silicon Valley Minotaurs

It’s Awards Season!

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Photo by Anastasia Kotycheva

With the Grammys and Oscars and all the other end-of-year-awards ceremonies upon us, we here at the blog wanted to recognize some of the unsung overachievers in America who are never offered the chance to walk a red carpet. They still won’t, but at least they’re getting their due in a public forum.

After a very careful and thorough review of all the nominees in all categories, we’ve culled the list down to these ten very lucky winners. Congratulations everyone, your Arby’s coupons will be arriving second-class mail at the end of next month.

THE BRYANHILSON.COM TEN BEST OF 2014:

Best Hug Lasting Longer Than 3 Conspicuous Throat-Clearings – Pastor Gary Trumble and the widow Stevens, Kansas City, Kansas

Best Non-Fatal Text ’n Walk Over 1 City Block – Bob Dollort and his Samsung Galaxy s5, Boston, Massa—nope, he just walked in front of a bus.

Next Best Non-Fatal Text ’n Walk Over 1 City Block – Tammy Goodwin and her—oh god there goes another one!

Best Off-Label Use of An Antipsychotic Drug – Claude Evans, “Jurydutitis,” Rifle, Colorado

Best Quote From A Government Official Not Authorized To Speak Publicly On The Subject – “XXX XXXX XXXX XX XXX XXXXXX”, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXXX

Best Non-Anthropomorphized Cat Behavior In a Domestic Setting – “Feline Groovy” shitting in a cake pan, Jacksonville, Florida

Best Water Cooler Conversation About Water Coolers – Steve Ricketts, Erica Caldwell, Vince DeGuinn, Portland, Maine

Best Fake Amnesia Story To Explain Overdue Quarterly Budget Report – Allison McBane, Dublin, Ohio

Best Co-Opting Of A Wholesome Family-Run Food Brand By A Multinational Corporation – “Debbie’s Veggie’s” by Nefaricorp Global Partners, Houston, Texas

Best Photo-Bombing Of An Anesthetized Subject (Indoors) – Morris Stintannen during Hal Irwin’s vasectomy, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Did your favorite nominee not make the cut? Leave a comment and let us know and we’ll tell you why we thought otherwise.

My Best Of The Best Of Lists 2013

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Photo by Gaetan Lee

An end of a year always brings out the Best of Lists, the Top This or That Thing or Moment Of The Year. Well, we’re no different here at bryanhilson.com, and out of the several lists I’ve collected here are my three favorites. Take these with you as we round the corner on 2013 and let them inspire you to great heights in 2o14. Happy New Year everyone!

Mabel Gorgonow’s Top 5 Leftovers of 2013

1. February 6, 2013 – Mother’s meatloaf, my mashed potatoes, and six hours of NCIS on the DVD machine (Imagine Mark Harmon between these two pieces of sourdough don’t you print that!)

2. May 11, 2013 – Half a pork burger and potato salad from Aunt J’s the other night with a Dad’s Root Beer and an US Weekly from the dentist’s office (Don’t worry, Dr. Singh, I brought it back!)

3. April 26, 2013 – Veggie lasagna, WITHOUT the cat hair this time (Gurgles you naughty tom!), latest Debbie Macomber, and the last seven Peeps from Easter Sunday

4. July 7, 2013 – Maggs’ cousin’s neighbor’s corn chip casserole and the rest of the red, white and blue fruit salad from the 4^th of July thingamajig. With a beer from Denny’s home brewing kit (made me pass gas with my mouth, I never) And poolside…(okay, you got me, I was in the bathtub. Bliss on a Tuesday night!)

5. October 19, 2013 – Salmon curry/brown rice deal the new internationals from down the way brought over for bridge club, and warm 7UP for the tummy ache (Dr. Singh, I’ll get you the recipe!)

Garrett (G-Heev) Heevall’s Top 5 College-Ruled Notebook Purchases of 2013

1. January 2, 2013 – Studio C Zip-It Premium 1-Subject Storage Notebook Blue 80 Sheets (Stores the Polaroids AND my brainblurbs – old school visual diary, yo!)

2. March 19, 2013 – Mead Five Star Fat Lil Notebook Lime 200 Count (Beat back a mugger with this bad boy and no coil snags. That Spiral Lock is no joke, yo!)

3. May 10, 2013 – National Brand 5-Subject Wire Notebook Marble Green 200 Sheets (Multi-colored tabs means I’m multi-tasking like a mother, yo!)

4. October 21, 2013 – Mead Cambridge Limited Pink 80 count (Breast cancer awareness month, yo, and G-Heev’s imprezzing the smokin’ cashier at Panera Bread!)

5. December 15, 2013 – Roaring Spring Maxim Notebook Navy 80 sheets (Yo, early Christmas present for myself, bummed no actual Maxim was init :P, but this durable presscard cover is DA BOMB!)

Donald Splot’s Top 5 “Sorry, You Have the Wrong Number” Calls of 2013

1. February 14, 2013 – “Hello, is this the Anchorage Rectal Suppository Factory?”

2. April 22, 2013 – “Father Brownen please, this is the mother of his child.”

3. June 9, 2013 – “Jerry?! I’m in an unmarked grave in El Paso!”

4. September 17, 2013 – “We regret to inform you that your new bride has accepted a better offer in Chattanooga.”

5. November 28, 2013 – “I had sex with your turkey while you were at church you lying son-of-a-bitch.”