Category Archives: Interweb Observations

There Will Be No August Blog Post

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FROM THE OFFICE OF THE INTERNET:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.  Due to a breach of the provision stipulated in Paragraph 6.1 (a) of the Blogging Services Agreement (rev. 1/1/14) between bryanhilson.com and Internet, whereupon “BLOGGER shall honor a cooling-off period of 180 days before cannibalizing his own ideas for want of future blog posts…” bryanhilson.com is hereby suspended from Internet until such time that said breach is remedied effective to breached party’s terms and conditions as detailed in Appendix X-1 of the Agreement.

Internet’s Contract Solvency Division (“CSD”) reports that the rupture occurred on July 10, 2014 when bryanhilson.com published a post entitled “Ask A Revolving Door,” only 102 days after publishing a post entitled “Ask A Post-Apocalyptic Dystopia” on March 30, 2014. After conducting its investigation (and producing a high resolution graphic comparative analysis to be featured in the September 2014 edition of High Resolution Graphic Comparative Analyses ), CSD determined it a case of “creative cannibalism” warranting immediate termination and indefinite suspension.

Contrary to what has been insinuated in other news sources (whose Internet contracts are also under CSD review), this termination of blogging services is in no way a retaliation against bryanhilson.com for failing to hire one Irwin Chattendale, 20, for its open intern position. While it is true that Mr. Chattendale is Internet’s second cousin’s youngest son (send all correspondence regarding the Internet Artificial Insemination Program 1995-2007 care of the CSD),  it should be expressly noted that neither Internet nor its agents, associates, representatives, or subsidiaries has ever attempted to influence administrative operations at bryanhilson.com.

Although we feel Mr. Chattendale to be a qualified–if not over-qualified–candidate for the position, we do acknowledge that his decision to delay pursuing his degree in  urban planning in order to concentrate on mastering “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood” may have adversely affected his desirability. However, to be clear, Mr. Chattendale, his qualifications,  and his taste in application software are immaterial to the facts binding bryanhilson.com to our fully enforceable and final decision.

This Blog Is Your Blog

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Although it is this blogger’s mission to develop content that will tap into a niche but hopefully ever-expanding audience, he sometimes can become so consumed in writing what HE wants to read he doesn’t take into account WHO he’s writing for. Neglects the very people who, if properly stimulated by his output, could launch his blog to the next level like they were shooting it out of a T-shirt cannon, past the book publishers’ mezzanine and all the way up to those glassed-in luxury boxes where the glitterati of Hollywood assemble (and probably have sex), and then eventually HE will be played by Amy Adams in a hit movie based on his galdang blog galdangit.

Social media is not supposed to be a one-sided conversation, right? This is an interactive medium, correct? Okay, so tell me what you want to read and respond to, reader(s?). Articulate your needs, your interests, and at least twice a month I’ll accommodate them. Can your psychotherapist do that? Your pet?

Tell me you want a post about how to avoid a persistent manhole, and that’s what you’ll get. (In brief: Sometimes you just have to fall in before it’ll leave you alone.)

Tell me you need a solid recipe for blueberry murder pie, and I’ve got you covered. (Tip: It’s more than just finding the proper spring-loaded knife that can withstand 400 degrees Fahrenheit.)

Also in the You Want It You Got It Department: Techniques for cheering up depressed oxen. (Summary: Knock-knock jokes and Lexapro.) Proper fashion for a night out at the bingo parlor. (Hint: Fishnet trousers, underwear optional, this isn’t your grandmother’s bingo night; incidentally, I know some things about your grandmother that will make you blush. See future post “Top 10 Secrets Too Saucy For Nana’s Deathbed Confession.”)

Now how about a piece on serial killers who also scrapbook on the side? (See related post: blueberry murder pie. My goodness, I’m starting to realize just exactly how twisted my readership is.)

Well it doesn’t matter, whatever your tastes, your whims, your fancies, simply put, I’m here for you. At your service. You’re going to bring me fame and fortune and then be stuck hearing me bitch about how burdensome it all is, so at the very least I should take my fingers out of my ears and listen to what you want.

So then, my ears are now clear (let’s forget my conscience for the moment)…what do YOU want from this blog?

Blogger’s Emergency Kit

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Photo by Daniel Steger

Sometimes in the act of writing my mind wanders, and what a haven the Internet is for the diverted.  And how appropriate that in my recent meandering I came upon this sage bit of advice from the Blogger’s Emergency Kit:  

Top 5 Solutions For When The Blog Well Runs Dry

5.  Make a Top 5 List of anything, like “Top 5 Reasons Why I’m Too Lazy To Just Plagiarize Something From The Daily Beast And Call It A Day”

4.  Hey, just trying to help in an emergency here. Sounds like five’s too much for you, so how about a Top 4 List? Four little things you can link together in an interesting way. Such as your top four secrets about Grandma’s undergarments to be revealed when that FamiLeaks site takes off. 

3.  Still nothing? Fine, let’s scale it back and make it a trio, because good things come in threes, like celebrity deaths. There you go! How about your top 3 favorite celebrity deaths? By dog mauling.

2.  Oh, you don’t follow that sort of thing, sure you don’t. Okay, Snootyboots, then you come up something. I dare you. Come on. Right now, two things off the top of your head that you can put together on a stupid Top 2 list. Hint: Your two most memorable bowel movements.

1.  What? I’m not being helpful? You’re not being helpful! Is the blog going to write itself? I’m offering a valuable service and all I get is pushback. We’re down to the last solution here, and I don’t think a Top 1 List is even a friggin’ list. So now what? Backed us into a corner, didn’t you? Oh jeeze. Don’t cry. Stop that. Please. I didn’t mean to yell. I didn’t! Okay. Sorry. Deep breaths. Long deep breaths. Feel better? What? Yeah, I got it, you were right, obviously you were right. I should’ve just let you clean out your damn refrigerator like you wanted to in the first place. So go ahead, fine, whatever, I’ll see myself out.

My Job Interview With The Internet

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Photo by Alex Handy

Thank goodness I didn’t need the Internet’s permission to put up my new website and blog. But what if I did? Well, it might go a little something like this…

Internet: So what have you got for me?

Bryan: Okay, it’s a—

Internet: FYI, speak in 140 characters or less, or I’m catching z’s dude.

Bryan: I have this new website with a blog page, a way to establish a—

Internet: OMFG! :O You gotta see this video! A baby just ate a cat. ROFLMAO! 

Bryan:  —a web presence. I’m a writer. A novelist and a screen—

Internet: You got content. I got content. You show me yours, I’ll show you mine.

Bryan: Exactly. I’m posting excerpts of my stuff—

Internet: Plug in your e-reader, or go wireless if your computer’s into virtual sex, I don’t care. Download, upload, use me, abuse me. And I’ll return the favor. BFWB, right?

Bryan: I should admit up front I’m kind of a purist. I still prefer my books in a tangible form.

Internet: JCOATW. You probably read actual newspapers and magazines too.

Bryan: Is “yes” the wrong answer?

Internet: Hey, I read The New Yorker, big deal. Okay, only the cartoons, and only the ones with naked people in them. They should put more of those in. Something about cartoon naked people… 

Bryan: So, as I was saying, my website has a page for each of my—

Internet: Memes? Animated New Yorker cartoons with the naked people?

Bryan: No.

Internet: Too bad. I’d like to see that. How about a montage of shots from the Royal Wedding combined with the audio of that drunk kid in Florida who wrestled a lawn mower?

Bryan: Would I have a better chance with you if I did?

Internet: BOOMM. What’s trending right now? Babies eating cats, J-Beeb’s prison tats, Facebook’s Provisional Government in Libya. Are you still here, NOOB?