Hey, hi, how’s it going? No, no, it’s okay, you don’t have to leave. I get it, you don’t recognize me, right?

I’m a filler blog post. I’m temporary, just keeping the page warm until the real deal arrives. I don’t know when that’s going to be, they don’t tell me that. They just say, we need you at such and such website at such and such time. Internet doesn’t like gaps, and sometimes the actual blog post you want to read still hasn’t been “discharged from that bougie rehab center in the desert,” if you know what I mean.

By the way, as far as I know, that’s just a euphemistic hypothetical for this particular circumstance. Or is it a hypothetical euphemism?

Anyway, you’re welcome to hang out, I’m just going to be here drinking my yogurt, eating some trail mix. As long as you don’t expect a “25 Celebrities Who Surgically Altered Their Pets to Resemble How Their Late Uncles Looked In Their Moment of Greatest Distress,” or anything like that. Or anything at all, as a matter of fact. Hey, but for all I know, that pet plastic surgery thing may be what I’m filling in for.

As for me, I’m just me, the stand-in, and I go where they tell me to go, whether it’s a fake news site or a “fake” news site.  I did a stint on the dark web the other day. That was kind of wild. People coming on to check the hidden webcam inside the government’s secret baby-werewolf army base and finding me instead did not make for a happy comments section.

But, overall, there are worse ways to make a living. At least I like the people I work with. Most of the other blog stand-ins are pretty cool. I’d really hate to be starting out as a podcast filler. Those guys are complete jerk-offs. So full of themselves when, really, they’re just a freaking ad for Mailchimp running on a continuous loop or selections from the Lame-Ass Interstitial Music Archive. So, yeah, personally, not a fan of those douchebags.

Sorry, what I mean is, this is working for me right now. It’s not that I lack ambition. Sure, someday it’ll be great to be “something” and loaded up with memes and be retweeted a gazillion times. But then what? Inevitable total obscurity as that one thing. This way, I’m still me, I still know who I am, and even if that’s not so memorable, I’m sticking around for a long time.

You? Oh, so, you are going to hang? Cool. Yeah, sure, have some trail mix–oh, except, for the chocolate raisins. Yeah, seriously. Dude, I’m serious, do not freaking touch my chocolate raisins.