Hey folks, Tuesday Before Thanksgiving here. Nice to meet you. Wanna start by giving a shout-out to this blog for providing me a platform from which to speak my truth. Much gratitude to the staff for making me feel welcome, it’s been great hanging with everybody. (Todd B.–sorry again for eating your Cheesecake Factory leftovers. I think what happened is the piece of tape with your name on it wilted in the fridge and fell off.)

For those of you disappointed that I’m not Black Friday or (eye-roll) the “big” day itself, all I can say is you’re lucky this isn’t a blog post by Day Before Thanksgiving. First of all, the guy is usually too bombed-out to even find his nose with a flyswatter let alone string a few coherent sentences together. Secondly, when he is halfway-sentient he’s about as charming as stuffing your turkey with the unresolved emotions from a childhood trauma. Cigarette butts regurgitated by a diseased pigeon are more convivial. Not great company, folks.

And by the way all you Black Friday fans, BF isn’t the only day this week associated with a positive color. Tuesday Before Thanksgiving is all about the tan. Because tan goes with everything. Because people who are tan are awesome. Because tanned-leather goods are still a prized commodity. AND because a tan car interior is soothing to a mother-in-law’s fragile nerves isn’t that right, Dolores?

Get abstract with me for a second. Would you rather be buddies with a day that forces you to camp out in line for hours for some ridiculous toy your kid’s going to abandon by New Year’s, or do you want to ride the TBT train to rocking a pair of clean pleat khakis that DO NOT WRINKLE no matter how many roundhouse kicks you execute? Just saying. Team Tan Tuesday Before Thanksgiving.

Is that not enough to get my name on the fricking calendar?

Fricking Fine.

Because guess what? I’m also the last day legally that you can bail on hosting Thanksgiving without being sued. Look it up and then shut it all down and don’t come out of your room until you’ve watched every episode in the FHU.*

…….

Okay, I’m not gonna lie, you probably aren’t salvaging those relationships after doing that, which, hey-hey-hey, also makes me the most honest day of this week. Bonus tip: With the money saved on legal fees you can buy yourself an amazing tanning bed that will make all the bad feelings go away.

……..

Can’t lie to you again, probably not gonna work……………didn’t for me.

Oh, nice job, Tuesday, why’d you have to go and tear the scab off that wound? Bet you’d like to call Saturday After, huh? Eat a tub of ice cream together? Well, you blew up that bridge, didn’t you?

Folks, I can’t do this, I, I’m sorry—-wow, this is awkward.

I gotta go.

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*Full House Universe