Tag Archives: Christmas

Important Holiday Retail Dates

November 24 – BLACK FRIDAY

November 25 – SMALL BUSINESS SATURDAY

November 26 – I HAVE STUFF HOW COME I’M NOT HAPPIER? SUNDAY

November 27 – CYBER MONDAY

November 28 – GIVING TUESDAY

November 29 -THE COSSACKS ARE COMING! WEDNESDAY

November 30 – WHITE-KNUCKLING THE CREDIT CARDS OVER THE MOUTH OF THE SHREDDER THURSDAY

December 1 – EVERYBODY’S GETTING A “BLESS US, EVERY ONE” MEME THIS YEAR VIA TEXT AND THAT’S FRICKING IT FRIDAY

The Writing Life Is Not The Retired Life

Photo by Angela George

Photo by Angela George

Recovered memory in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…he said what?!

You kind of know me by now, right? Hopefully well enough to agree I’m not given to using this platform to launch self-righteous rants into the social media stratosphere. But this…this…trauma buried so deep until I saw an AARP commercial a few days ago…

Suffice to say if I had a craw (okay, we’ve all got craws that extend and retract-just give me a reason!) this comment from an otherwise affable fellow I met at a Christmas party last year would be nigh impossible for even a crawbar to remove:

“You’re a writer? Oh, that’s just like being retired.”

Um, excuse me?

Oh, I see, you’re saying writing isn’t real work. Writing is shuffleboard on a cruise ship. Putting “affable” and “nigh” in the same sentence comes as easily as stuffing one’s face with Fritos watching reruns of “Criminal Minds” on TNT. (Retired people do that don’t they?)

Let me be clear: This isn’t a diatribe against retired people. I love retired people. But what that (recently retired) guy did, this reflexive move to equate writing with leisure activity, is something I’ve heard too many times and it just burns me up.

Writing can be done for leisure, it can be a hobby, but when pursued seriously requires as much if not more focus, determination, perseverance than any “real” job. Yes, it may appear illegitimate because it can be accomplished while wearing pajamas and often resembles staring blankly into space, but trust me and all the fingernails I’ve chewed down to the nubs, writing is a demanding vocation.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go see a craw doctor so I can get back to my lawn bowling–I mean my manuscript.

What A Blog Wants For Christmas

Photo by Karyn Sig

Okay, seeing that Bryan hasn’t been at the helm for a few weeks and hasn’t responded to my SOS,  I guess it’s up to me to steer this ship before it runs aground. Translation: I’ve got write myself again and in the process stretch a metaphor to its breaking point.

Hello everybody, if we haven’t met before, I’m Bryan’s blog.  The last time I wrote myself, it came off as kind of a bitch-fest, and I don’t want to replicate that here. Of course, this post is still all about me, but effort has been made to tailor it to what’s happening out there in the human world.

And what’s happening right now is kids young and old are busy making their Christmas lists, and why should a blog be any different? Cut to: Here’s what Bryan’s blog wants for Christmas.

1) More attention from the “blogmaster” – Still finishing my social media version of “A Christmas Carol” to slip under Bryan’s tree this year. If that doesn’t work, me and his Facebook page and Twitter account will literally put on ghost costumes and scare the bejeezus out of him.

2) An ad linked to an online gambling service – Maybe we only make 2 cents every click, but it adds up and suddenly the items on this list become a reality. Of course, if you have a gambling addiction, only click on this ad two or three or times a week.

3) A Mrs. Bryan’s Blog – Hey, it’s not only animals, vegetables, and minerals who have “needs.”

4) Flashing tabs – Spectacle sells, my friends. Who doesn’t want to click on a “Blog” tab that’s lit up like Times Square?

5) An afternoon with Google Analytics (for a little “Search Engine Optimization,” if you get my meaning) – FYI, this is about as close as I get to paying someone to service those aforementioned “needs.” Here’s hoping someone comes through on #3.

6) A few more reader comments – Yeah, if I could put on a Santa suit and set up a bucket and ring a bell outside your house I would.

7) Dearfoam slippers – No explanation necessary.

8) World peace -It’s still cool to want that, right?

9) A theme song – Something that suggests an air of danger but also folksy-wholesomeness,  so obviously it’ll need castanets and hand-claps.

10) Insert your gift idea for Bryan’s blog this Christmas. Translation: more pandering for reader comments. Ring! Ring!

All right then everyone, go safely forth this holiday season and keep a certain blog (and maybe $30-$40) in mind during all this giving and receiving business. Thank you in advance.

Build A Story With Bryan #4 – The Completed Story

Photo by The Enchanted Gallery

At long last, here’s our completed piece for Round 4 of Build A Story With Bryan! Thanks to everyone who contributed, as well as to those who read along as it was being created. Round 5 will probably begin in the next few weeks, but until then please enjoy the fruits of Round 4’s labor, and let me know if you have a suggestion for a title.

 

He said there’s nothing to be afraid of and soothed his bitten hand with our last stick of butter. He wasn’t thinking about how fond rats are of butter. Suddenly, there were scratching and squeaking sounds coming from under the floor boards. This was soon followed by a distinct shaking sound, which grew louder by the second.

“What is it?!?,” I screamed.

I’d never seen this man before in my life. A pleasant dinner with open windows and screen doors leads to this. Teacups vibrating off their hooks, shattering on the countertops. I pushed Bobby behind me and backed into the dining room. The house was coming apart.

Suddenly everything was still, and I could hear my own heart beating wildly.

Bobby lunged in front of me and shouted, “What is that?” As he pushed me under the dining room table I caught a glimpse of something I hadn’t seen in years. After all this time, I thought I’d successfully disappeared, but it found me again.

Yes, it was the magician, come back for the audience volunteer who had vanished from his Chinese box all those years ago, and this time he had a blunt instrument!

“I’ll be blunt,” he sneered menacingly.

Bobby erupted in menacing laughter as I leaped toward the gaping hole that had been my dining room wall just minutes before. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him pull out a gleaming blue magic wand and point it at the magician. 

“You know what I’ve done, but not what I’m capable of doing, you nefarious fiend,” he snarled; I had no idea he was capable of sounding so menacing, so otherworldly.

I could scarcely believe what I saw next. I pinched myself to make sure I really was awake, and I was!

Bobby morphed into a creature that can only be described in small bits: green scales here, smoke coming from his three nostrils there, leathery wings that shone with an inner light sprouting from—what were those things? My son! I thought, but was he?

This emerald imp grasped the hem of my dress as it struggled to rise on one horribly deformed foot. As we came eye to eye the skin below its nostril split and that gaping wound grew until it formed a mouth large enough to hold a human head. Its breath was foul.

And like some monstrous chicken it squawked one terrible word: “Mama.”

That word. It snapped me out of my terrified paralysis and an icy calm came over me. I knew what I had to do. I crawled across the floor and opened the desk drawer. I knew what I was looking for was there somewhere. There it was – the letter I’d kept secret all these years, with blood-red sealing wax still keeping its secret intact. Was it finally time to break the seal?

No time for that now I thought. Must find that crossbow. I had made sure to buy a desk with extra large drawers for the sole purpose of storing my crossbows there.

Now, where did I put the key? There, already in the lock. I snapped it open, grabbed the closest bow of nine arrows with one in the pull and spun.

The magician was advancing on Bobby. I brought death to my shoulder and sent a needle through his throat. Blood coughed outward and landed on the floorboards in one great sheet. I spun the iron tensile mechanism I’d invented, so the string drew back on a ratchet and dropped a new arrow into the groove.

Bobby took two strides toward the magician and unleashed a vomit of white flame that did exactly what I imagined. He writhed in the heat storm, yet grew, morphed, metastasized into an undulating giant, too big for the room. It pressed the now burning roof outward like doors to some giant meat cellar. The fire burnt down around it and we found ourselves staring up at a giant forty foot rat, formed by the clawing bodies of thousands of individual rats. If it’s possible, it grinned.

I slung a twenty-count bow onto my back, whistled, and Bobby joined me. He picked a crossbow, the first he’d been given, still flecked with blue and red paint. Together we stalked back into the bathroom and the yard beyond. If only it would be that easy.

As the bracing night air hit me, I turned to my still-mutated son and said, “Um, Bobby, what… I mean how… um, I mean…”

“No time for that now, Mom,” he snapped, “The world as we know it could end within moments if we make one false move.”

We speedily moved through the neighbor’s backyard, the neighbor who lived alone, always kept his shades drawn, rarely left the house, only kept one light upstairs illuminated, and made everyone wonder. The neighbor’s upstairs light went out and the front door opened slowly, revealing a darkness that felt deeper than the moonless night that surrounded us. This was the kind of darkness you only hear about from people who have been in very dark places, both physically and mentally.

I felt Bobby’s claw take my hand and understood its meaning. We both stepped in. A cool breeze met us, misted us, and spurred us on even as I looked back. There was no door behind, only blackness. My instincts told me there were no walls within any distance I could conceive. I shrugged free of the crossbows. We wouldn’t need them here. Our handhold tightened and we continued pacing. Bobby said nothing but tugged twice with meaning, jogging my memory.

“Oh, yes,” I said, and reached into my pocket.

I brought out the envelope, ran my thumb across the wax seal. Bobby’s center claw cut through it and immediately a thin golden light creased its edges searching to be freed. I opened it, the brightening light brought my son into focus, returned from his genetic exile, his big brown eyes filled with the wonder I had known. The light grew and grew into blinding rays of starfire, obscuring everything. I drew Bobby into my arms and held the envelope aloft; the final trick, stolen from a bitter magician who deserved nothing.

And in the distance, if our ears were to be believed, Christmas bells beckoned. It would seem we had made it through another year, after all. We walked toward their promise.