Tag Archives: Hollywood

There Will Be No August Blog Post

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FROM THE OFFICE OF THE INTERNET:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.  Due to a breach of the provision stipulated in Paragraph 6.1 (a) of the Blogging Services Agreement (rev. 1/1/14) between bryanhilson.com and Internet, whereupon “BLOGGER shall honor a cooling-off period of 180 days before cannibalizing his own ideas for want of future blog posts…” bryanhilson.com is hereby suspended from Internet until such time that said breach is remedied effective to breached party’s terms and conditions as detailed in Appendix X-1 of the Agreement.

Internet’s Contract Solvency Division (“CSD”) reports that the rupture occurred on July 10, 2014 when bryanhilson.com published a post entitled “Ask A Revolving Door,” only 102 days after publishing a post entitled “Ask A Post-Apocalyptic Dystopia” on March 30, 2014. After conducting its investigation (and producing a high resolution graphic comparative analysis to be featured in the September 2014 edition of High Resolution Graphic Comparative Analyses ), CSD determined it a case of “creative cannibalism” warranting immediate termination and indefinite suspension.

Contrary to what has been insinuated in other news sources (whose Internet contracts are also under CSD review), this termination of blogging services is in no way a retaliation against bryanhilson.com for failing to hire one Irwin Chattendale, 20, for its open intern position. While it is true that Mr. Chattendale is Internet’s second cousin’s youngest son (send all correspondence regarding the Internet Artificial Insemination Program 1995-2007 care of the CSD),  it should be expressly noted that neither Internet nor its agents, associates, representatives, or subsidiaries has ever attempted to influence administrative operations at bryanhilson.com.

Although we feel Mr. Chattendale to be a qualified–if not over-qualified–candidate for the position, we do acknowledge that his decision to delay pursuing his degree in  urban planning in order to concentrate on mastering “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood” may have adversely affected his desirability. However, to be clear, Mr. Chattendale, his qualifications,  and his taste in application software are immaterial to the facts binding bryanhilson.com to our fully enforceable and final decision.

What If? – Hollywood Directors And Their Fussy Stars

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Norma Desmond - Sunset Boulevard

Norma Desmond – Sunset Boulevard

An article in last Sunday’s LA Times Calendar Section detailed the tumultuous production of Paul Schrader and Bret Easton Ellis’s new psychosexual neo-noir film “The Canyons.” Starring the ever reliable Lindsay Lohan, I was amused/disturbed to read that in order to coax his shy starlet to go through with a nude scene, Mr. Schrader himself bared all on the set.

Okay, then. I think plenty of actresses would appreciate the gesture, and you have to admire Schrader’s commitment to…the craft, yes, the CRAFT. Don’t you? Well it doesn’t matter if you don’t because Lohan eventually did, and the results are there for everyone to see (you know you want to) on VOD now and in selected cities this Friday.

Anyway, this story prompted me to wonder if other directors of other films of dubious merit this year experienced anything similar with their stars. So let’s play What If? – Hollywood Directors and Their Fussy Stars.

What if you’re director Dennis Dugan on the set of “Grownups 2” and David Spade is refusing to do the scene where he gets whacked in the groin seven times by a kid with a bucket over his head wielding a golf club. Do you:

a) Replace him with Rob Schneider but then surgically alter Schneider’s face to resemble Spade’s so as not to lose money on any pre-printed promotional material;

b) Replace him with Rob Schneider but only for the groin-whacking scenes, and then return Schneider to the secret island paradise he owns with Chris Kattan.

c) Wake up inside your trailer and laugh that it was all a dream because Spade has never balked at sacrificing his scrotum for a cheap laugh; or

d) Wake up on the set and realize it’s not just a dream because Paul Schrader’s next to you naked and pounding himself in the gonads to inspire confidence in your waffling actor.

What if you’re director Raja Gosnell on the set of “Smurfs 2” and Jayma Mays has taken craft services hostage because she’s fed up acting scenes with the tennis ball dangling from a string that will later be digitized as Handy/Grouchy/Vanity/Clumsy Smurf. Do you:

a) Shut down the whole smurfing production until the actual Handy/Grouchy/Vanity/Clumsy Smurfs can be smurfing located;

b) Wish Jayma and the old craft services well and replace them with Rob Schneider and his secret island paradise craft services team;

c) Enlist Neil Patrick Harris to distract cast and crew members with close-up magic while French special forces snipers end the standoff; or

d) Bring Paul Schrader on set to get naked and painted blue to read lines like he was George C. Scott’s character from “Hardcore.”

What if you’re director Gore Verbinski on the set of “The Lone Ranger” and Johnny Depp is refusing to play Tonto as an embarrassing Native American stereotype as written in the script and approved by your Disney overlords. Do you:

a) Remind him that this whole freaking disaster was his idea in the first place;

b) Show him the market research proving it was his lack of being an embarrassing Native American stereotype that led to the box office bombs “Dark Shadows,” “The Tourist,” and “Public Enemies”‘;

c) Rewrite the entire movie replacing Tonto with Jack Sparrow, because no one seems to be offended by an embarrassing pirate stereotype; or

d) Send Depp to one-on-one insensitivity training with Paul Schrader who’s wearing nothing but the crow headdress and the Washington Redskins mascot tattooed on his chest.

Thanks for playing, everybody. Let me know how you came down on these.

This Blog Is Your Blog

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Although it is this blogger’s mission to develop content that will tap into a niche but hopefully ever-expanding audience, he sometimes can become so consumed in writing what HE wants to read he doesn’t take into account WHO he’s writing for. Neglects the very people who, if properly stimulated by his output, could launch his blog to the next level like they were shooting it out of a T-shirt cannon, past the book publishers’ mezzanine and all the way up to those glassed-in luxury boxes where the glitterati of Hollywood assemble (and probably have sex), and then eventually HE will be played by Amy Adams in a hit movie based on his galdang blog galdangit.

Social media is not supposed to be a one-sided conversation, right? This is an interactive medium, correct? Okay, so tell me what you want to read and respond to, reader(s?). Articulate your needs, your interests, and at least twice a month I’ll accommodate them. Can your psychotherapist do that? Your pet?

Tell me you want a post about how to avoid a persistent manhole, and that’s what you’ll get. (In brief: Sometimes you just have to fall in before it’ll leave you alone.)

Tell me you need a solid recipe for blueberry murder pie, and I’ve got you covered. (Tip: It’s more than just finding the proper spring-loaded knife that can withstand 400 degrees Fahrenheit.)

Also in the You Want It You Got It Department: Techniques for cheering up depressed oxen. (Summary: Knock-knock jokes and Lexapro.) Proper fashion for a night out at the bingo parlor. (Hint: Fishnet trousers, underwear optional, this isn’t your grandmother’s bingo night; incidentally, I know some things about your grandmother that will make you blush. See future post “Top 10 Secrets Too Saucy For Nana’s Deathbed Confession.”)

Now how about a piece on serial killers who also scrapbook on the side? (See related post: blueberry murder pie. My goodness, I’m starting to realize just exactly how twisted my readership is.)

Well it doesn’t matter, whatever your tastes, your whims, your fancies, simply put, I’m here for you. At your service. You’re going to bring me fame and fortune and then be stuck hearing me bitch about how burdensome it all is, so at the very least I should take my fingers out of my ears and listen to what you want.

So then, my ears are now clear (let’s forget my conscience for the moment)…what do YOU want from this blog?

Guest Blogger – Mike Nubarb

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Mike Nubarb's Dream Security Monitor

Here’s the second in a series of guest blogs. Please welcome Mike Nubarb!

 

Hey, I’m Mike, I’m the manager at Store and Go Storage in Palms, Los Angeles, California. Basically all day I’m just watching my computer. Cuz all the security cameras broadcast back to my monitor so the screen’s divided up into maybe twelve different screens within one screen. It’s like I’m watching twelve different movies at once. And I sign off on rental contracts. So yeah, my day can be kind of exhausting but at the same time it’s pretty cool being the manager because I can take unlimited smoke breaks, and I’m pretty sure the regular employees only get two ten minute breaks during an eight-hour shift. But don’t get the wrong idea here. What I mean is that perk was a big deal when I was smoking but I quit almost a month ago. So don’t write me off ladies.

I could go on about my job and what I do all day, but to be honest I like to leave my job at the job. I don’t bring my work home with me. And the ladies are into honest guys, right? That’s a big deal for them. So okay ladies, right off the bat you know (a) I’m honest and (b) I don’t smoke. Two checks in the pro column for Mike.

Actually there should be three checks in the pro column because (c) I’m in Upper-Middle Management. Okay, wait, Honest Mike needs to step in for a second. I don’t know that I’m actually in Upper-Middle Management, I haven’t ever seen a corporate chart for Store and Go. But I picture it kind of like the NCAA bracket, and I’m seeing myself at least in the Sweet Sixteen.

That speaks to another thing you should know about me. I like sports, so I’ll probably make a lot of sports references like the above the more we spend time together. I’m from Ohio originally and since I’ve been living out here I’ve done a lot of apologizing for the Browns, Indians and Cavaliers. Suck it LeBron! So anyway, I’ve kind of adopted the Clippers as my new team. Yeah, yeah, yeah, make room for Mike on the bandwagon. Hilarious, guys. Beat LA!

Wait, you know I mean Beat the Lakers, right? Because they suck.

Now I get it that a lot of the ladies out there don’t like sports, they like to watch girly movies instead. That’s fine. I love girly movies. I’ve seen Sucker Punch and I’d totally see Sucker Punch 2 and Sucker Punch 3 if they ever get their asses in gear and make them. Hello Hollywood, are you listening?

Okay, so there’s a little taste of Mike Nubarb. I’ve been promised at least another blog post so I don’t want to give you a full meal just yet. Consider this like an appetizer I’ve brought to the relationship table.

Been great getting to know you. Talk soon. Late.

What If? With Hollywood

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Photo by Sorn

Playing the “What If?” game can sometimes be fun, but it can also be downright frightening. But what better way to overcome our fears than by bringing them to life in our imaginations, and devising their destruction in creative (and cathartic) ways? With that in mind, I raise the following nightmare scenario, which, a hypothetical evil though it may be, undoubtedly haunts the sleep of every movie-going citizen.

What if the movie studios remade, re-imagined, recycled every last title in their back catalogues? What if they exploited every board game, video game, TV show, comic book, novel, app, amusement park ride, and toy in existence? My god, what if we had to endure the horror of a moving picture featuring ideas and characters not previously conceived and presold in another format? 

Whew. Congratulations if you’re still with me, if you haven’t passed out from sheer terror. Excuse me a moment, I need to steal a breath from my oxygen tank.

Now then, how are we going to confront and overcome this impending? imaginary? crisis? Well, for inspiration, I’ve decided to look within…my own cupboards and cabinets. Ah, the soothing familiarity of the ubiquitous products we all eat and employ in our everyday lives, so easily adaptable into the tentpole franchises of the not too distant future; the obvious and necessary next stage in the evolution of filmed entertainment.

So never fear fellow moviegoers, here are four Hollywood blockbusters that will save us from the coming apocalypse of originality.

Mr. Clean – A stay-at-home mom doomed to a life using off-brand cleaning products has the adventure of a lifetime when Mr. Clean (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) comes to her aid after vengeful floors and drain pipes instigate a revolution inside her home. In a touching side story, Mr. Clean reconnects with the father he thought dead (a digitally-recreated Yul Brynner using outtakes from Westworld) after a violent skirmish with Scrubbing Bubbles.

The Con Agra Solution – Chef Boyardee (Kevin James), Mrs. Butterworth (Renee Fleming) and Oscar Mayer (Christoph Waltz) do battle with an evil public school administrator out to destroy school lunches forever by insisting choices include food that hasn’t been processed or genetically modified for our safety. Cameo appearance by Samuel L. Jackson as Uncle Ben. 

Snuggle Me – Instead of suicide, a lonely architect sheds his macho image and uses Snuggle Fabric Softener on his laundry, triggering a visit from Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear (voiced by Jon Voight) who teaches him how to win the woman of his dreams, a spunky cupcake entrepreneur. But the new couple’s bliss is threatened when the woman’s mother-in-law moves in and refuses to acknowledge the talking bear or the superiority of Snuggle Blue Sparkle dryer sheets over other leading brands.

What the Hell Happened to Breakfast?– In a world where children are forced to work the plain-flavored oatmeal swamps and unsweetened granola farms so common in modern dystopias, a band of valiant youths led by the Apple Jacks (the Jonas Brothers), the Froot Loops (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) and their pet rabbit Trix (Justin Bieber), dares to stand up for a child’s right to a little high fructose corn syrup, which according to revolutionary scientists just might be the cure for autism. Featuring the hit single “Two Scoops of Honey Smacks Helps The Medicine Go Down.”

Might you too have a market-tested blockbuster for Hollywood that will protect us from the unfamiliar (and thus, untrustworthy) original concept? For the sake of humankind, we all need to hear it.