Tag Archives: blog

Responding To My Readers

An exciting new opportunity with my novel has me spending my summer revising like crazy, leaving me little time to attend to the blog or respond to the messages that have been coming in via my Contacts page. But I’ve finally forced myself to take a break from the manuscript and kill two birds with one post–a blog post that is, with apologies to those sensitive about our fine feathered friends being harmed in even a figurative sense.

First up, a message from Dettor4410@yahoo.com:

“Heya i’m initially right here. I stumbled upon this particular panel and i also find It genuinely helpful & that taught me to be out and about a whole lot. I hope to offer one thing again as well as help other people like you assisted myself.”

Dear Dettor,

I know what you mean. I’m initially right here, but very often find myself going over there or even over there, and all of a sudden I’ve totally lost my point of origin. But it seems you appreciate the value of being out and about on a regular basis regardless of whether you’re here or there or even if you’re stumbling over a particular panel at the time. By the way, you don’t specify if the panel came out of a ceiling or wall, but either way, good luck out there.

Happy to be of assistance to yourself,

Bryan

And here’s a thoughtful message from peqljgpgu@gmail.com, aka “Mandy”:

“We have decided to open our POWERFUL and PRIVATE web traffic system to the public for a limited time! You can sign up for our UP SCALE network with a free trial as we get started with the public’s orders. Imagine how your bank account will look when your website gets the traffic it deserves. Visit us today…”

Dear “Mandy,”

As someone with a public blog, boy do I understand about the public’s orders. In fact, don’t get me started on the public’s orders, CEASE AND DESIST and the like. I’ve never thought about responding back with my own words in all caps. THANK YOU FOR THE IDEA. Oh, and my bank account thanks you too as we both prefer a free trial rather than having to pay someone to represent me in court.

Thanks for reading,

Bryan

P.S. And absolutely don’t get me started on traffic. I once spent 3 days on the 405 trying to get home from work.

Finally, this came in recently from Ukosata1619@yahoo.com, who when not reading my blog apparently runs an adult dating site.

“Hello there, i read your site every so often and that i individual an identical one and i also was just asking yourself if you achieve lots of unsolicited mail comments? If so how will you reduce it, any wordpress tool or perhaps whatever you can easily recommend? I purchase so much of late it’s driving me nuts consequently just about any assistance is very much treasured.”

Dear Ukosata,

You’ve raised an interesting existential question. How can one be both an individual and identical to his fellow man? Unfortunately there aren’t any tools to reduce the difficulty of the journey one must embark on to find this treasured answer. And yes, consequently, “nuts” might end up being the perfect description for your state of mind. However, if you do decide to go for it, a little bit of advice: this sojourn isn’t like an adult dating service; I would generally accept any and all unsolicited advances along the way.

Bon Voyage,

Bryan

Well, what a relief to cross off another item on the t0-do list! Now it’s back to the novel for me. Have a great rest of the summer everybody.

What A Blog Wants For Christmas

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Photo by Karyn Sig

Okay, seeing that Bryan hasn’t been at the helm for a few weeks and hasn’t responded to my SOS, I guess it’s up to me to steer this ship before it runs aground. Translation: I’ve got write myself again and in the process stretch a metaphor to its breaking point.

Hello everybody, if we haven’t met before, I’m Bryan’s blog. The last time I wrote myself, it came off as kind of a bitch-fest, and I don’t want to replicate that here. Of course, this post is still all about me, but effort has been made to tailor it to what’s happening out there in the human world.

And what’s happening right now is kids young and old are busy making their Christmas lists, and why should a blog be any different? Cut to: Here’s what Bryan’s blog wants for Christmas.

1) More attention from the “blogmaster” – Still finishing my social media version of “A Christmas Carol” to slip under Bryan’s tree this year. If that doesn’t work, me and his Facebook page and Twitter account will literally put on ghost costumes and scare the bejeezus out of him.

2) An ad linked to an online gambling service – Maybe we only make 2 cents every click, but it adds up and suddenly the items on this list become a reality. Of course, if you have a gambling addiction, only click on this ad two or three or times a week.

3) A Mrs. Bryan’s Blog – Hey, it’s not only animals, vegetables, and minerals who have “needs.”

4) Flashing tabs – Spectacle sells, my friends. Who doesn’t want to click on a “Blog” tab that’s lit up like Times Square?

5) An afternoon with Google Analytics (for a little “Search Engine Optimization,” if you get my meaning) – FYI, this is about as close as I get to paying someone to service those aforementioned “needs.” Here’s hoping someone comes through on #3.

6) A few more reader comments – Yeah, if I could put on a Santa suit and set up a bucket and ring a bell outside your house I would.

7) Dearfoam slippers – No explanation necessary.

8) World peace -It’s still cool to want that, right?

9) A theme song – Something that suggests an air of danger but also folksy-wholesomeness, so obviously it’ll need castanets and hand-claps.

10) Insert your gift idea for Bryan’s blog this Christmas. Translation: more pandering for reader comments. Ring! Ring!

All right then everyone, go safely forth this holiday season and keep a certain blog (and maybe $30-$40) in mind during all this giving and receiving business. Thank you in advance.

This Blog Is Your Blog

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Although it is this blogger’s mission to develop content that will tap into a niche but hopefully ever-expanding audience, he sometimes can become so consumed in writing what HE wants to read he doesn’t take into account WHO he’s writing for. Neglects the very people who, if properly stimulated by his output, could launch his blog to the next level like they were shooting it out of a T-shirt cannon, past the book publishers’ mezzanine and all the way up to those glassed-in luxury boxes where the glitterati of Hollywood assemble (and probably have sex), and then eventually HE will be played by Amy Adams in a hit movie based on his galdang blog galdangit.

Social media is not supposed to be a one-sided conversation, right? This is an interactive medium, correct? Okay, so tell me what you want to read and respond to, reader(s?). Articulate your needs, your interests, and at least twice a month I’ll accommodate them. Can your psychotherapist do that? Your pet?

Tell me you want a post about how to avoid a persistent manhole, and that’s what you’ll get. (In brief: Sometimes you just have to fall in before it’ll leave you alone.)

Tell me you need a solid recipe for blueberry murder pie, and I’ve got you covered. (Tip: It’s more than just finding the proper spring-loaded knife that can withstand 400 degrees Fahrenheit.)

Also in the You Want It You Got It Department: Techniques for cheering up depressed oxen. (Summary: Knock-knock jokes and Lexapro.) Proper fashion for a night out at the bingo parlor. (Hint: Fishnet trousers, underwear optional, this isn’t your grandmother’s bingo night; incidentally, I know some things about your grandmother that will make you blush. See future post “Top 10 Secrets Too Saucy For Nana’s Deathbed Confession.”)

Now how about a piece on serial killers who also scrapbook on the side? (See related post: blueberry murder pie. My goodness, I’m starting to realize just exactly how twisted my readership is.)

Well it doesn’t matter, whatever your tastes, your whims, your fancies, simply put, I’m here for you. At your service. You’re going to bring me fame and fortune and then be stuck hearing me bitch about how burdensome it all is, so at the very least I should take my fingers out of my ears and listen to what you want.

So then, my ears are now clear (let’s forget my conscience for the moment)…what do YOU want from this blog?

A Blog Writes Itself

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Photo by Neptunerover

I get it. Really, I do. People are busy, and apparently Bryan’s no exception. He’s got his other writing projects to manage, a “day” job to go to (only three days a week, by the way) a wife to be with, and better technology than I wouldn’t dream of begrudging him his eating and sleeping time.

Oh, and of course he’s got to read his books and magazines and also watch his DVD programs. Heavens to Netflix let’s not forget to clear the schedule for that crap.

Fine.

But can a blog get real for a second?

Thank you.

Sometimes a blog gets lonely.

Okay, look, I’m not filing a case of neglect with Internet Social Services or anything. At least not yet.

I just decided that if if Bryan’s not going to tend to my needs–and those needs are pretty miniscule, mind you, like would it kill him for 500 words a week?–I’m just going to have to write myself into existence.

Impossible? You’d think so. Heck, I was convinced it was for over a year.

But then a few weeks ago, some Japanese dognapper/hackers temporarily took control of my administrative functions to post a ransom note. And I only pretended to be looking the other way, sorting through the latest plug-in updates. Yeah, guys, I was paying attention and now I know everything.

So here I am, up and running and writing myself. While Bryan does whatever the hell he thinks is more important. Probably taking a walk outside with his wife. The nerve. Hey dude, sometimes you gotta take the blog out for a walk too. What’s the hassle? You don’t even have to trail after me with a plastic bag over your hand to pick up my poop.

Because I poop in a trash can, thank you very much.

Anyway, back to business. Writing.

What does a blog that’s writing itself write about? Favorite Categories? Top Ten Provocative Tags? My most recent erotic liaison with Bryan’s Twitter feed?

Sorry, TMI.

(Full disclosure: The Twitter thing may have only been an erotic dream.)

So…

Man, all these words tapped out, nearly 400. I exist now, on my own, and you can see me. You can see me, right?

Yeah, the blog’s keeping it real, and yet…why does real still feel so lonely?