Obligatory Halloween Blog Post

Fahrenheit 451

I love books. As in actual, tangible, printed books. And recently I had the privilege of roaming a particular bookstore spanning an entire city block, a literary mecca four floors high teeming with over a million books standing strong on twelve foot shelves.

Powell’s City of Books, Portland, Oregon. So nice to see you again.

And now, (commencing obligatory Halloween portion) I imagine for a moment this mighty vessel of ideas empty, a dusty, ghostly warehouse where bumps in the night compete with hot, hissing rat droppings; or worse, a space where imagination and creativity once ruled transmogrified into an Urban Home or Duvets Unlimited or wherever the undead mass-consumers converge these days.

Because, apparently, there’s a spooky future out there where the printed book is extinct.

Okay, okay, it’s hyperbole, maybe, but reading this article from Publisher’s Weekly about major publishers rethinking their commitment to printed books took me to a dark place.

As a writer trying to get published traditionally, as in an analog Bryan Hilson book on the shelf in a bricks-and-mortar store, this is not welcome news. There are financial implications as well, which the above article gets into, but here I’m going to approach the issue as a reader.

I’m no technophobe, I’ve got a Nook (and a Kindle, egads!) but to me there are few greater pleasures than losing one’s self inside a bookstore, encountering, picking up, and flipping through paper pages, not your computer/tablet/smart phone’s best approximation of such. Seriously, browsing on the internet is not even close to a real shopping experience. Even at Duvets Unlimited.

How do you feel about this, fellow readers? Are you okay with physical bookstores (and maybe even libraries?) becoming a thing of the past? Do you accept that all things media inevitably will exist solely as digitized goods? Or are you ready to raise up your hardcovers and reading lights in defense of these invaluable institutions?

Some scary things to consider, my friends. Happy Halloween.

Text Art #2 – A Holes

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A Blog Writes Itself In 2013

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Photo by SamsonX

Man I really thought we were going to get out of 2013 without me having to do Bryan’s job for him. He was on a pretty good roll through July and August, I don’t understand what happened. I don’t want to write myself, believe me. I’ve got seven Candy Crush Saga games going, I need the down time, but I just can’t abide being dark for three weeks. Even my therapist is enabling me some abandonment issues.

Apparently Bryan’s still revising his novel.

But enough about him; you snooze you looze, blog-neglect hall of famer! How about me? I went on a date the other day with an NSA analyst’s smartphone, and wowza, I haven’t had my “funds” misappropriated like that since those Japanese dog-nappers hacked into my system last spring.

Okay, it was less a date than a black site interrogation, but I can’t say I didn’t like it.

What? Sometimes a blog just wants to be compromised a little, where’s the harm in that? At least something cares enough to put in the effort to deceive me. Bryan can’t be bothered to check in for three weeks, let alone lie directly to my interface. I mean come on!

WHEN IS HE GOING TO THINK ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR ONCE?!!

Wowza, that was pretty intense. Let’s dial it back a little. What did Dr. Gamdang say? Deep breaths, soft colors, memes of melting marshmallows…

Oh yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Back to center, big guy…Bryan still cares about you…he’s disappeared before…but he always comes back…that’s right, he always comes back…he always–zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What Are You Reading?

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Although not as exciting as lurking outside your windows and occasionally peeking in to see what you’re reading, it’s easier to just put the question to you in blog form. So here goes: What are you reading these days? Fiction, non-fiction, biography, memoir, comics, tech manuals, graffiti, tea leaves?

While you think about it, here’s what I’m reading at the moment: This Wheel’s On Fire: Levon Helm and the Story of the Band by Levon Helm with Stephen Davis, Mark Haddon’s The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Night-time, Canada by Richard Ford, and last but not least, Putting Circles Into Squares For Dummies, by Advarious Starch. I imagine most of you also have a few books going at the same time. A different book for a different mood, right? Sometimes I’m dreaming about Canada and sometimes about setting wheels on fire.

Are you looking forward to any upcoming releases this fall? I am. Stephen King’s Doctor Sleep, Thomas Pynchon’s Bleeding Edge, The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt, Salinger by Shane Salerno and David Shields (in support of the Salinger documentary coming out next month, which also looks pretty enticing) and of course, Funk in the Trunk: A Mongoose Fingus Mystery, by Tiara Loo.

So then, pretend I’ve got my nose pressed up against the glass outside your reading room while you’re curled up in your favorite chair, lost in a good book. What titles would I see in there before you call the police?

What If? – Hollywood Directors And Their Fussy Stars

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Norma Desmond – Sunset Boulevard

An article in last Sunday’s LA Times Calendar Section detailed the tumultuous production of Paul Schrader and Bret Easton Ellis’s new psychosexual neo-noir film “The Canyons.” Starring the ever reliable Lindsay Lohan, I was amused/disturbed to read that in order to coax his shy starlet to go through with a nude scene, Mr. Schrader himself bared all on the set.

Okay, then. I think plenty of actresses would appreciate the gesture, and you have to admire Schrader’s commitment to…the craft, yes, the CRAFT. Don’t you? Well it doesn’t matter if you don’t because Lohan eventually did, and the results are there for everyone to see (you know you want to) on VOD now and in selected cities this Friday.

Anyway, this story prompted me to wonder if other directors of other films of dubious merit this year experienced anything similar with their stars. So let’s play What If? – Hollywood Directors and Their Fussy Stars.

What if you’re director Dennis Dugan on the set of “Grownups 2” and David Spade is refusing to do the scene where he gets whacked in the groin seven times by a kid with a bucket over his head wielding a golf club. Do you:

a) Replace him with Rob Schneider but then surgically alter Schneider’s face to resemble Spade’s so as not to lose money on any pre-printed promotional material;

b) Replace him with Rob Schneider but only for the groin-whacking scenes, and then return Schneider to the secret island paradise he owns with Chris Kattan.

c) Wake up inside your trailer and laugh that it was all a dream because Spade has never balked at sacrificing his scrotum for a cheap laugh; or

d) Wake up on the set and realize it’s not just a dream because Paul Schrader’s next to you naked and pounding himself in the gonads to inspire confidence in your waffling actor.

What if you’re director Raja Gosnell on the set of “Smurfs 2” and Jayma Mays has taken craft services hostage because she’s fed up acting scenes with the tennis ball dangling from a string that will later be digitized as Handy/Grouchy/Vanity/Clumsy Smurf. Do you:

a) Shut down the whole smurfing production until the actual Handy/Grouchy/Vanity/Clumsy Smurfs can be smurfing located;

b) Wish Jayma and the old craft services well and replace them with Rob Schneider and his secret island paradise craft services team;

c) Enlist Neil Patrick Harris to distract cast and crew members with close-up magic while French special forces snipers end the standoff; or

d) Bring Paul Schrader on set to get naked and painted blue to read lines like he was George C. Scott’s character from “Hardcore.”

What if you’re director Gore Verbinski on the set of “The Lone Ranger” and Johnny Depp is refusing to play Tonto as an embarrassing Native American stereotype as written in the script and approved by your Disney overlords. Do you:

a) Remind him that this whole freaking disaster was his idea in the first place;

b) Show him the market research proving it was his lack of being an embarrassing Native American stereotype that led to the box office bombs “Dark Shadows,” “The Tourist,” and “Public Enemies”‘;

c) Rewrite the entire movie replacing Tonto with Jack Sparrow, because no one seems to be offended by an embarrassing pirate stereotype; or

d) Send Depp to one-on-one insensitivity training with Paul Schrader who’s wearing nothing but the crow headdress and the Washington Redskins mascot tattooed on his chest.

Thanks for playing, everybody. Let me know how you came down on these.

N Obsession: Text Art #1

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Responding To My Readers

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An exciting new opportunity with my novel has me spending my summer revising like crazy, leaving me little time to attend to the blog or respond to the messages that have been coming in via my Contacts page. But I’ve finally forced myself to take a break from the manuscript and kill two birds with one post–a blog post that is, with apologies to those sensitive about our fine feathered friends being harmed in even a figurative sense.

First up, a message from Dettor4410@yahoo.com:

“Heya i’m initially right here. I stumbled upon this particular panel and i also find It genuinely helpful & that taught me to be out and about a whole lot. I hope to offer one thing again as well as help other people like you assisted myself.”

Dear Dettor,

I know what you mean. I’m initially right here, but very often find myself going over there or even over there, and all of a sudden I’ve totally lost my point of origin. But it seems you appreciate the value of being out and about on a regular basis regardless of whether you’re here or there or even if you’re stumbling over a particular panel at the time. By the way, you don’t specify if the panel came out of a ceiling or wall, but either way, good luck out there.

Happy to be of assistance to yourself,

Bryan

And here’s a thoughtful message from peqljgpgu@gmail.com, aka “Mandy”:

“We have decided to open our POWERFUL and PRIVATE web traffic system to the public for a limited time! You can sign up for our UP SCALE network with a free trial as we get started with the public’s orders. Imagine how your bank account will look when your website gets the traffic it deserves. Visit us today…”

Dear “Mandy,”

As someone with a public blog, boy do I understand about the public’s orders. In fact, don’t get me started on the public’s orders, CEASE AND DESIST and the like. I’ve never thought about responding back with my own words in all caps. THANK YOU FOR THE IDEA. Oh, and my bank account thanks you too as we both prefer a free trial rather than having to pay someone to represent me in court.

Thanks for reading,

Bryan

P.S. And absolutely don’t get me started on traffic. I once spent 3 days on the 405 trying to get home from work.

Finally, this came in recently from Ukosata1619@yahoo.com, who when not reading my blog apparently runs an adult dating site.

“Hello there, i read your site every so often and that i individual an identical one and i also was just asking yourself if you achieve lots of unsolicited mail comments? If so how will you reduce it, any wordpress tool or perhaps whatever you can easily recommend? I purchase so much of late it’s driving me nuts consequently just about any assistance is very much treasured.”

Dear Ukosata,

You’ve raised an interesting existential question. How can one be both an individual and identical to his fellow man? Unfortunately there aren’t any tools to reduce the difficulty of the journey one must embark on to find this treasured answer. And yes, consequently, “nuts” might end up being the perfect description for your state of mind. However, if you do decide to go for it, a little bit of advice: this sojourn isn’t like an adult dating service; I would generally accept any and all unsolicited advances along the way.

Bon Voyage,

Bryan

Well, what a relief to cross off another item on the t0-do list! Now it’s back to the novel for me. Have a great rest of the summer everybody.

Flash Fiction Contest: We Have A Winner!

Flash Fiction Contest – Last Call For Entries

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Photo by Jorge Hernandez Valinani

I don’t want to set off widespread panic across the blogosphere, but the Flash Fiction contest for June ends at the close of business on Sunday June 30. Yep–take a deep breath–that’s less than a week away, and yep–now exhale–here at bryanhilson.com we’re open on Sundays until midnight. Don’t worry about us, however, we get to wear sweatpants and eat Skittles out of a giant fishbowl.

And at the moment, with only two entries, our competition workload is not so taxing. It’s true, the Flash Fiction contest hasn’t quite caught fire just yet, but hey, Alfred Nobel didn’t invent dynamite in a day; i.e., your chances of winning are still pretty darn good. But only if you enter this week.

To reiterate the rules: Write a short short story in three sentences based on a theme, and the winner of all eligible entries receives a dedicated blog post from yours truly with a glowing three sentence celebration of his or her all-around awesomeness.

June’s theme is “Happy Returns” and this is the example I gave:

“The father returned home a year after going out to buy some liquid plumber for the kitchen drain. He started in about a bright light, a ditch, amnesia, but his story was beat out by all the hugs and kisses and laughter. That night while his family slept soundly, the father was in the bathroom having been awakened by a terrible itch along his hairline, and scratching it he peeled off the latex mask disguising a different face.”

You can interpret “Happy Returns” in any way you’d like. Have a good time, go nutty, go sad, go funny, whatever sparks your imagination. As always, thanks for reading, thanks for playing.

Flash Fiction Contest – Second Call For Entries

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Photo by BrokenSphere

Last week I announced a new monthly feature on the blog, a friendly contest called Flash Fiction Monday. The idea is to write a short short story in three sentences based on a theme, and the winner of all eligible entries receives a dedicated blog post from yours truly with a glowing three sentence celebration of his or her all-around awesomeness. Beats a stick in eye, am I right?

June’s theme is “Happy Returns” and this is the example I gave:

I’ve received one entry so far but to make this a contest I need more. Do you have three sentences to spare that tell a story involving whatever you feel constitutes a happy return? I’m sure you do and all I ask is that you leave it with me in the comments box and we’ll make this thing competitive. In a friendly way, of course. We’re all friends here at bryanhilson.com.

So have it, and as always thanks for reading and thanks for playing!