Category Archives: A Blog Writes Itself

A Blog Alone In Springtime

Photo by Michael Palmer

Hey, everybody.

First of all, I know what you’re going to say, I know it, blogs are total whiners, yeah-yeah-yeah, but, seriously, now, in this case you have to admit, you have to, this time around it’s not me it’s him……………………..right?

So right.

Bryan’s been back from his out-of-body experience a good three weeks now and he still hasn’t come into the office. The scuttlebutt in HR is he finished a new novel or something, which, hip-hip-hooha—c’mon, dude, you can’t even check in?! Not even a quick message like, “Let’s circle back on that Pajama Tuesdays idea you had before I unceremoniously started projecting my astrals all over the place”?!

You get it, you’ve been there. It’s just so darn frustrating when you’re the one always reaching out, always initiating. I swear it’s only because it’s Springtime that I haven’t completely shut down.

Fine, I’m only an interface and can’t smell the flowers, but you understand what I’m saying. I’m this close and I’m not sure even an Edible Arrangement can salvage this relationship.

I’m just saying, it’s been awhile, it’d be nice to spend some time with him.

IT’D BE NICE IF HE MISSED ME AS MUCH AS I MISS HIM!

Oh, woes…

Worse than a blog writing itself is a blog alone in Springtime.

Important Out Of Body Update

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BLOG ON TEMPORARY HIATUS

BRYAN WILL BE AWAY FROM HIMSELF FOR THE NEXT MONTH, SO IF YOU DO STUMBLE UPON HIS BODY BEHIND THE MONUMENT TO RUST IN MCSORDID’S FIELD, DON’T WORRY, AND PLEASE LEAVE IT BE, HIS MIND WILL RETURN TO REANIMATE IT BEFORE MARCH 1. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

October’s Blog Post In November

A Blog Writes Itself In 2013

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Photo by SamsonX

Man I really thought we were going to get out of 2013 without me having to do Bryan’s job for him. He was on a pretty good roll through July and August, I don’t understand what happened. I don’t want to write myself, believe me. I’ve got seven Candy Crush Saga games going, I need the down time, but I just can’t abide being dark for three weeks. Even my therapist is enabling me some abandonment issues.

Apparently Bryan’s still revising his novel.

But enough about him; you snooze you looze, blog-neglect hall of famer! How about me? I went on a date the other day with an NSA analyst’s smartphone, and wowza, I haven’t had my “funds” misappropriated like that since those Japanese dog-nappers hacked into my system last spring.

Okay, it was less a date than a black site interrogation, but I can’t say I didn’t like it.

What? Sometimes a blog just wants to be compromised a little, where’s the harm in that? At least something cares enough to put in the effort to deceive me. Bryan can’t be bothered to check in for three weeks, let alone lie directly to my interface. I mean come on!

WHEN IS HE GOING TO THINK ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR ONCE?!!

Wowza, that was pretty intense. Let’s dial it back a little. What did Dr. Gamdang say? Deep breaths, soft colors, memes of melting marshmallows…

Oh yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Back to center, big guy…Bryan still cares about you…he’s disappeared before…but he always comes back…that’s right, he always comes back…he always–zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What A Blog Wants For Christmas

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Photo by Karyn Sig

Okay, seeing that Bryan hasn’t been at the helm for a few weeks and hasn’t responded to my SOS, I guess it’s up to me to steer this ship before it runs aground. Translation: I’ve got write myself again and in the process stretch a metaphor to its breaking point.

Hello everybody, if we haven’t met before, I’m Bryan’s blog. The last time I wrote myself, it came off as kind of a bitch-fest, and I don’t want to replicate that here. Of course, this post is still all about me, but effort has been made to tailor it to what’s happening out there in the human world.

And what’s happening right now is kids young and old are busy making their Christmas lists, and why should a blog be any different? Cut to: Here’s what Bryan’s blog wants for Christmas.

1) More attention from the “blogmaster” – Still finishing my social media version of “A Christmas Carol” to slip under Bryan’s tree this year. If that doesn’t work, me and his Facebook page and Twitter account will literally put on ghost costumes and scare the bejeezus out of him.

2) An ad linked to an online gambling service – Maybe we only make 2 cents every click, but it adds up and suddenly the items on this list become a reality. Of course, if you have a gambling addiction, only click on this ad two or three or times a week.

3) A Mrs. Bryan’s Blog – Hey, it’s not only animals, vegetables, and minerals who have “needs.”

4) Flashing tabs – Spectacle sells, my friends. Who doesn’t want to click on a “Blog” tab that’s lit up like Times Square?

5) An afternoon with Google Analytics (for a little “Search Engine Optimization,” if you get my meaning) – FYI, this is about as close as I get to paying someone to service those aforementioned “needs.” Here’s hoping someone comes through on #3.

6) A few more reader comments – Yeah, if I could put on a Santa suit and set up a bucket and ring a bell outside your house I would.

7) Dearfoam slippers – No explanation necessary.

8) World peace -It’s still cool to want that, right?

9) A theme song – Something that suggests an air of danger but also folksy-wholesomeness, so obviously it’ll need castanets and hand-claps.

10) Insert your gift idea for Bryan’s blog this Christmas. Translation: more pandering for reader comments. Ring! Ring!

All right then everyone, go safely forth this holiday season and keep a certain blog (and maybe $30-$40) in mind during all this giving and receiving business. Thank you in advance.

A Blog Writes Itself

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Photo by Neptunerover

I get it. Really, I do. People are busy, and apparently Bryan’s no exception. He’s got his other writing projects to manage, a “day” job to go to (only three days a week, by the way) a wife to be with, and better technology than I wouldn’t dream of begrudging him his eating and sleeping time.

Oh, and of course he’s got to read his books and magazines and also watch his DVD programs. Heavens to Netflix let’s not forget to clear the schedule for that crap.

Fine.

But can a blog get real for a second?

Thank you.

Sometimes a blog gets lonely.

Okay, look, I’m not filing a case of neglect with Internet Social Services or anything. At least not yet.

I just decided that if if Bryan’s not going to tend to my needs–and those needs are pretty miniscule, mind you, like would it kill him for 500 words a week?–I’m just going to have to write myself into existence.

Impossible? You’d think so. Heck, I was convinced it was for over a year.

But then a few weeks ago, some Japanese dognapper/hackers temporarily took control of my administrative functions to post a ransom note. And I only pretended to be looking the other way, sorting through the latest plug-in updates. Yeah, guys, I was paying attention and now I know everything.

So here I am, up and running and writing myself. While Bryan does whatever the hell he thinks is more important. Probably taking a walk outside with his wife. The nerve. Hey dude, sometimes you gotta take the blog out for a walk too. What’s the hassle? You don’t even have to trail after me with a plastic bag over your hand to pick up my poop.

Because I poop in a trash can, thank you very much.

Anyway, back to business. Writing.

What does a blog that’s writing itself write about? Favorite Categories? Top Ten Provocative Tags? My most recent erotic liaison with Bryan’s Twitter feed?

Sorry, TMI.

(Full disclosure: The Twitter thing may have only been an erotic dream.)

So…

Man, all these words tapped out, nearly 400. I exist now, on my own, and you can see me. You can see me, right?

Yeah, the blog’s keeping it real, and yet…why does real still feel so lonely?