Tag Archives: writing

What Have I Done For You Lately?

You know how when you slip into an alternative dimension and have countless adventures with a half-dog half-rejected leisure suit patent named Good Times Woof-Woof and learn life lessons from a passive-aggressive slow cooker, then eventually you reenter the real world and it’s like maybe a minute of time has passed?

Well, that apparently doesn’t happen when you answer an ad for “Free Industrial Paste” and wake up in the trunk of a 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. Two whole years go by.

I guess I’ll have to let these intermittent flashbacks fill in the blanks…..I’m on the street, it’s late, got my tub of free industrial paste. I see a sign with an arrow pointing to an alley, it says “MORE Free Industrial Paste”……

That’s all I’ve got at the moment.

In the meantime, I’m sifting through the wreckage left behind by my former bryanhilson.com staff, seeing what can be salvaged. It’s mostly emotional wreckage, so I’m confident I’ll still come out ahead this fiscal year.

And culturally, I’m not worried about what I’ve missed since I’ve been gone. #NOFOMO. I trust that the world is just as stable, reasonable, and sane as it was when I disappeared.

No, my biggest concern is you, dear reader. What have I done for YOU lately? Once upon a time I was a man with a blog and a surplus of industrial paste. Now I’m just a man with a blog. Well, I’m not taking that for granted anymore, or you, or my vocation, or that every trunk in every 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme will have formaldehyde leather interior as a failsafe in case of sudden unconsciousness.

My fingers are castanets. My brain is a steamboat. It’s clear what I’m getting at.

I hereby pledge to get this party restarted and not be a wallflower. Let’s once again, shall we, spike this proverbial punchbowl?

Are You Prepared For That Big Rewrite?

4 Replies

Okay, so you’ve written a few drafts of your novel and you’ve gotten feedback from trusted sources, and slowly but surely it dawns on you that the story needs to go in a brand-new direction, whether through substantial changes to the characters or the plot or both.

Do. Not. Panic.

Friends, I too have been there, and over time have developed a list of key To-Do’s before embarking on any kind of large-scale revision. If you’re contemplating your own massive rewrite, this could be just the thing to boost your confidence and help you stay the course.

No. 1 Sever all ties with family and friends. The book is now your [spouse/significant other/BFF]. Hail Book!

No. 2. If you have a job, quit immediately. The tension that arises over how you’re going to pay your bills will feed directly into addressing your writers group notes about your narrative lacking conflict.

No. 3 Practice the art of insomnia. [Alternatively, replace your mattress with a bed of nails]

No. 4 Set the room temperature to touchy/reliably grouchy.

No. 5 Keep several chickens and/or goats at or near your writing space for weekly sacrifices to Book. Hail Book!

No. 6 Plastic surgery to replace your ears with noise-canceling headphones.

No. 7 Get comfortable with adult diapers. [See also: eliminating bran from your diet; See also: Google results for “eating antispasmodics like they’re Wild Berry Skittles”]

No. 8 Begin each morning burying your phone. Note: Also begin each morning drawing a map to location of said buried phone to avoid costly delay to revision due to nervous breakdown.

No. 9 Do not read a passage from your favorite book for inspiration. You don’t have a favorite book that isn’t Book. What’re you doing? Hail Book!

No. 10 Put together a writing playlist that’s basically one indefinite song with your own voice screaming over industrial EDM, “Are you done yet?!” “Are you done yet?!” “ARE YOU DONE YET?!”

Opening Lines To Unwritten Books

1 Reply

Hell is when you’re picturing your grandmother French-kissing her Pomeranian and you still get a boner in gym class.

Yeah, when Mr. Jones was a kid he killed a kid, but the little girl who spoke to me with her mind wouldn’t trust anyone else to save her.

Beth-Ann Monroe was all ready with her comeback for when she got caught: If you idiots had just given me the job in the first place, I’d be selling your cars not stealing them.

Cute Little Puppy’s secret desire is to trap Farmer Wyatt inside a barn fire.

Am I bad person if I’d rather eat a bacon-wrapped razor blade on a dare than tell them the truth about what Jenna Quincy and I built in her basement?

Cute Little Puppy (rewrite 1): Cute Little Puppy’s secret desire is to be a franchise owner of an Assassins-For-Hire.

“Dude, check it out, that vampire left his wooden fangs in my neck!”

Ideally, happily ever after was forging a close personal friendship with Jake Jackson’s naked abs for the rest of eternity, but right now she’d settle for being spared the growing saliva in the corners of Mr. Dacker’s mouth as he rehashed the Pythagorean theorem.

Cute Little Puppy (rewrite 2): Cute Little Puppy’s more immediate goal is to monetize his abilities as an internet troll.

Forgive me if you’re a woodfairy reading this, but you dusted little bastards are delicious.

Giving the anti-vaxxers their own prom was the second worst idea ever, just behind me teaming up with Nurse Jimmy to crash it.

I can’t be the only You Tube star whose ex-best friend killed someone to make it happen.

Like beauty, the difference between right and wrong is often in the eye of the beholder who doesn’t confuse his cough syrup for cherry soda.

Cute Little Puppy (the last rewrite): Cute Little Puppy’s making a new bucket list, now that its doctor found a malignant cyst.

I’m just saying, if I’d known my parents were AI sleeper agents hellbent on destroying everything I love about human civilization, there’s no way I give up on that third meatball sub.

What I Heard At The LA Times Festival Of Books!

2 Replies

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

It is a blessing the doctors were able to replace my ears in time for this year’s Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. I’ll never fall asleep in a lawn care store again, let me tell you.

Anywho, this past weekend the LATFOB was held once again at the glamorous USC campus and was a treasure trove for authors and readers alike. I checked it out on both Saturday and Sunday, and the gauze was just breathable enough to let in many an insight and observation, as well as several nuggets of wisdom. Here is a smattering of what I heard:

“Authors are the brand, not the publishers.”

“The intimacy between book and reader is part of every aspect of the industry.”

“An editor’s job is to connect the writer and the reader. Editors are sometimes guilty of not thinking about that.”

“Staying respectful is very hard to do on the internet.”

“Before Amazon, it was Barnes & Noble and Borders as the behemoths [accused of] crushing the industry, and now it’s like ‘please Barnes & Noble, please stick around!’ ”

“Someone told me that you’re only allowed one dream sequence in your career, and I’ve just blown my load in this new book.”

“I don’t remember my dreams, but for some reason people always tell me theirs…so I steal them.”

“Anyone who looks at the world, if you’re not writing horror stories, what are you doing?”

“I push back against the label ‘literary’ horror. It sounds like, ‘we like you but not your friend.’ ”

[Regarding writing] “There is no way you can escape the work.”

“Elevators are the physical manifestation of a traumatized mind.”

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

“Every story should start a chapter late and end a chapter early.”

“A fellow writer once described my book as this beautiful bonbon that when you bite into it oozes puss and maggots.”

[Regarding technology] “We tend to believe that we can make it, but not always should we make it.”

“Young people don’t have the opportunity to be bored anymore.”

“I believe there is a creative energy that connects our hearts to each other.”

“I have a blood splatter library.”

“As a Nigerian-American, you have four career options: Doctor, lawyer, engineer, disgrace to the family.”

“It is the insecurity of our parents that stifles our children.”

“Listening keeps my writing fresh.”

“You find out at 15 that you don’t have much control over what happens to you. But you do have control over how you react to it.”

“Excellence is a habit.”

WHO SAID THIS STUFF: Carolyn Kellogg; Betty Amster; Peter Ginna; Glory Edim; Ginna; Carmen Maria Machado; Victor LaValle; Ben Loory; LaValle; Jason Reynolds; Reynolds; Reynolds; Dhonielle Clayton; Marie Lu; Reynolds; Laurie Halse Anderson; Emily Carroll; Tochi Onyebuchi; Reynolds; Renee Watson; Anderson; Reynolds

This Mystery Called The Writing Process

Some Favorite Poems From Childhood

3 Replies

Photo by Lienhard Shulz

I was doing some Spring-cleaning the other day, and while rummaging around in a storage bin I came across a book I suddenly realized has been with me since I was about five years old. Though the cover is creased and faded, and its pages nearly as yellow as a smoker’s teeth, Pennies For The Wishing Well, by Cleaver Deeks, is still an absolute delight.

Reading the poems again and reveling in their celebration of the innocence and sense of discovery that is childhood, I remembered how they helped spur what’s become a lifelong love of the written word. I couldn’t wait to share it with you.

Copied below are three of my favorites. Hope you enjoy them, and please let me know some of your favorite poems from when you were young.

Little Billy’s Loose Tooth

Little Billy had a tooth his tongue could wiggle, wiggle.

Little Billy wasn’t scared, in fact, he giggled, giggled

Then one day the tooth popped out

And Little Billy made such a shout!

As the alien gas, no longer trapped,

Fried everybody’s brains into squiggle, squiggles.

Goose Under The Bridge

There’s a goose under the bridge!

Yes, a goose lives under the bridge!

Give her the crumbs and the crust of your bread

Or give her the pellets from the dispenser instead

What fun it is to feed the goose

and the goslings that do flock her

And ponder the psych0-sexual vibes you’ve been getting from your doctor.

Cannibal Circus

The cannibal circus is coming to town!

We know Mommy and Daddy won’t let us down

Last year was Grandma who survived her chagrin

That it costs an arm and a leg to get in.

LA Times Festival of Books!

1 Reply

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

If it’s the end of April it can only mean a few things. One, that my wooden leg will start to yearn for the boreal forests of Norway and I will spend hours on the phone negotiating the fake limb rate with Virgin Atlantic, and two, the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. Held this past weekend on the luxurious USC campus, the LATFOB was once again a shining mecca for writers and readers, and, this year, the grounds for a clever-creepy marketing campaign for Hulu’s adaptation of The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood.

I was in attendance on both Saturday and Sunday, and heard many an inspiring word. Here are some of those words:

“Writing is like breathing to me; if I don’t write, I’ll die.”

“A really good novel is like a burlesque show.”

[Regarding “unlikable” characters in YA fiction] “I remember when I was a teenager, my thoughts were pretty evil; I just didn’t say everything.”

[Regarding a writer’s process] “Instead of ‘pantser’ or ‘plotter,’ I like to think of it as are you a gardener or are you an architect?”

“The daily mind is lazy relative to the reader mind.”

“Language can be twisted to tolerate lies.”

“My experiences as a teenager were kind of dull, but my emotions were epic.”

“Chipotle asked me, do you have something that we can put on a bag for a shit-ton of money?”

“When it comes to my characters, I am a horrible person.”

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

“The highest truth is a series of contradictions.”

“That first email to Erwin, that was confrontational.” “No, it wasn’t.” “Yes, it was.” “No.” “Yes, it was like ‘I’m here, looking for a fight.'” “No way.” “Do you want me to read it back to you?”

“You don’t write for ‘children’ you write for one child, or for the child you used to be.”

“When you’re writing a story and you get stuck, embrace it. It’s just the story telling you, ‘You’re not listening to me.’ ”

“People spend more money on yoga than on books.” “Maybe we could change that if we can convince people to read in hot rooms.”

“I used to have this condition when I was younger called Hemingway boner.”

“I don’t know if I’m gifted, but I do know how to work hard. I have discipline.”

“We’re able to entertain several different versions of the truth simultaneously.”

“I will defend trashy YA to my death.”

“First drafts are like I’m just shoveling sand into a sandbox; later on, I’ll build sand castles.”

WHO SAID THIS STUFF (in order): Benjamin Alire Saenz; Aaron Hartzler; Maggie Thrash; Ellen Hopkins; George Saunders; Saunders; Julie Berry; Saunders; Frances Hardinge; Saunders; strangers overheard before the start of a panel discussion; Melissa de la Cruz; Saunders; Lisa Lucas and Oscar Villalon; Saunders; Saenz; Saunders; Thrash; Shannon Hale

3 Surefire Writing Exercises To Keep Me Sharp This Summer

2 Replies

Photo by Ellin Beltz

Ah, Summer!

Three months of siren song luring us to laze at the beach, the ballpark, the multiplex. When our brains crave the pinch of an inch in their midsections before the first chill of Fall begins to freeze off the intellect’s fat.

Alas, we writers…

If we’re going to look ourselves in the mirror at the end of each day with only self-loathing and not also unsightly spritzing tears, we must not succumb to these sunny pleasures so insalubrious to our work ethic.

It is true that writing can be such a lonely endeavor, and gosh this time of year is rich with the potential for shared experience.

No…must…resist….

Which is why I’ve created some new writing exercises! Not only to maintain my skills this summer, but also to bring me that much closer to my community without having to leave my desk.

To paraphrase George R.R. Martin, it’s not enough anymore for writers to rely on the stifling inner pressure of their own neuroses; it’s the onslaught of the outside world’s needs that will ultimately drag their projects over the finish line.

Everybody’s process is different, but I offer these up to you as well. Feel free to modify according to need, available resources, and current mental state.

3 Surefire Writing Exercises To Keep Me Sharp This Summer:

#1 Inciting Inspiration – Occasionally during the course of working I get stuck on a story issue, a plot point, or even just the rhythm of the sentences in a paragraph. It can be like walking into a brick wall, again and again and again. And again. Wouldn’t it be nice to go out and grab a frozen yogurt and then browse the antique cheese shops on Venice for a few hours?

Nice try, Summer, but you’re no match for the arrangement I’ve made with the friendly folks at Blooming Little Daisies Day Camp. I’ve got an hour to bridge my creative impasse or a busload of kids dangling over a sinkhole will know literally what the deep dark abyss of writer’s block feels like. Nothing greases the wheel of my imagination like blinking the stinging sweat out of my eyes to watch them plead with me via webcam. I mean, here’s hoping. Thanks kids, keep your heads covered and fingers crossed!

#2 Crafting Memorable Characters – Characters are the lifeblood of story, so if my protagonist or antagonist or a supporting player comes across lacking specificity, it weakens the whole body of the book, so to speak. Weakening one’s resolve to keep his hindquarters in his writing chair, to not stray when Baby Geniuses 3 beckons from the mall cinema.

Ha. Summer, you’re going to have to try a lot harder than that now that I’m collaborating with Peter Gruntergo and his doctors at This Dying Old Lady Memorial Hospital. I’ve got 45 minutes to spice up a dull character or Peter’s going to feel a little incomplete himself when he doesn’t get that new kidney. I can’t tell you what a lift it is when I’ve got medical staff and the Gruntergo family on Skype screaming me to victory.

Seriously, I can’t tell you yet. So at least I hope it’ll be a lift. We’ll see. Let’s maybe hold off awhile on ordering those balloons.

#3 Building Stamina for the Second Draft – It’s hard for me to read a first draft without agonizing over those areas that in the moment felt so magical now ringing false and flat. How do I gut up and build the stamina to tackle a rewrite? It’s a period where I feel most vulnerable as a writer, and perhaps most susceptible to the sweet-nothings of ocean air and a Nora Roberts novel, and burying strangers up to their necks in beach sand.

Wow. You almost got me, Summer. Almost. But you’ll need an extra biscuit for breakfast if you think you’re going to overpower my teaming up with an unquenchable passion, indefatigable imagination, and ironclad discipline. And my good friends at Callus Realty who’ve generously provided a closed-up home with two hundred baby rabbits trapped inside and a pernicious gas leak set to go off if I can’t finish by September 30. They are pretty cute animals, even on this grainy CCTV monitor, it would be a shame to see them…well, golly, I better stop writing this and get to it!

Happy Summer Everyone!

LA Times Festival of Books!

1 Reply

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

It’s April again and that can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. My apologies to anyone looking for a post on whether or not creamed honey will finally be classified as an alternative fuel. (You’ll have to wait for my review later this year of the new Nissan Mecha-Grizzly.)

This post is about the 21st Annual LA Times Festival of Books, held last weekend on the beautiful brick and stone USC campus. Saturday was rainy and Sunday was sunny and both days were very well-attended. Here are some of the intriguing things the authors I saw had to say:

“Magical realism reminds us as human beings that there is hope and beauty out there.”

“If you believe along with the narrator that the [fantastical] things happening are true, it’s not magical realism. If you don’t, then it is.”

“Writers are often reacting to things that frustrate them about their other writing.”

“YA [literature] is so wide open. You can go anywhere you want. There’s no box you have to fit into.”

“When people have complimented me on my writing, they said it’s mysterious and cryptic and things are not explained. When people have criticized my writing, they said it’s mysterious and cryptic and things are not explained.”

“What’s cool about art is the exceptions.”

“I don’t really care what genre means. The work can take care of itself.”

“When you begin a novel you feel like a bit of a fraud. The more you do it the more faith you have in the viability of the world you’re creating.”

“I think about readers after the fact. It’s not what drives me to do the work. I don’t think it’s healthy to think about it.”

“Fiction, art, always has to be life plus.”

“Donald Trump is able to go for the jugular. It’s like he stole Jeb Bush’s lunch money, threw his shoes up on top of the school, and Jeb couldn’t handle it.”

“Disney told me, ‘We want a thriller, but nothing bad can happen.’ ”

“What’s special about this story? If I can’t find it, I don’t write it.”

“There’s no ‘Red Weddings’ in Middle Grade.”

“My narrator is the crotchety old man who lives inside of me.”

Photo by Carolyn Kraft

“Very rarely will someone buy your intentions. Finish the book.”

“The anxiety of not knowing where I’m going in a story is what drives me.”

“I wrote this [middle grade] book as a YA novel, but it’s not. My editor pointed this out to me.”

“Wonder isn’t about finding answers; it’s about being comfortable with the questions.”

“There are as many ways to be dead as there are to be alive.”

“Teenagers: Maximum personal responsibility with absolutely no personal power.”

“Some 17-year-olds are 13 in their heads and some 17-year-olds are 25 in their heads. And they have to hang out together.”

“The only thing worse than writing is not writing.”

“Every first draft I go through this question: ‘I don’t know how to do this.’ ”

“If you’re a young person and you have the choice between writing and having an experience, have the experience.”

WHO SAID THIS STUFF (in order): Sean McGinty, Shaun David Hutchinson, Peter Rock, McGinty, Rock, McGinty, Patrick DeWitt, Karl Taro Greenfeld, DeWitt, Greenfeld, Dee Dee Myers, Ridley Pearson, Soman Chainani, M.A. Larson, Tahereh Mafi, Larson, Chainani, Mafi, Leigh Ann Henion, Claire Bidwell Smith, Jeff Garvin, Jesse Andrews, Garvin, Don Calame, Aaron Hartzler

What Are You Reading?

3 Replies

Photo by Petar Milosevic

Spring is here again, and there’s no better way to celebrate than by digging out that old bunny costume from underneath your bed and walking the streets in it smoking a carrot and handing out to random passersby plastic eggs with cryptic messages inside like “Why does Dolly always get to lick the spines on brackish mackerel night?”

Hmmm…not sure where that…

Hey, what’s the SECOND best way to celebrate Spring?

By reading a good book outdoors, of course.

Here’s what I’ve been reading recently under the emergent sun: the stunning allegorical YA novel Challenger Deep, by Neal Shusterman, about a teen’s battle with mental illness; Purity by Jonathan Franzen, about a millennial’s search for herself and her parents’ true identities in a hyper-connected world; and Nothing to Envy, by Barbara Demick, about successful defectors from North Korea who survived its brutal famine of the mid to late 1990’s.

So that’s me, what have YOU been reading these days?